It’s Day Three of digging into my sixth-grade memory pockets to remember 1997 in honor of the “Titanic” return. Today is the big day. The blockbuster officially comes back to theaters tonight, this time in 3D. As excited as I am, I think I speak for most people when I say I will karate chop the first person who starts singing “My Heart Will Go On.”
Part Three—on this, the day of Jack and Rose’s 3D copulating—it would make sense that I would look back at 1997’s movies. But this whole adventure has been to get into the mind of 1997 Jackie. Nothing makes sense in that mind.
I didn’t give an iceberg about the movie. I just wanted to see Leonardo DiCaprio. That sweet, cherubic-faced boy forever tainted for me after watching “The Basketball Diaries.” Thus, we shall analyze 1997’s heartthrobs.
I, like all 10-year-old boy-lovers at the time, was infatuated with Leo. I had the poster book, people. Watching him on the big screen was the highlight of my year only to be rivaled by seeing the Backstreet Boys from the very last (not kidding) row of some huge venue in the big city (Columbus).
Looking up photos of Leo in 1997, I instead found this video montage of pics of him set to the most drawn out version of “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay” I have ever heard.
This video is scary. What if the Internet and all its crazy gateways were available to me at age 10? There are comments for this video that say things like “Hey, am i in the club i'm thirteen too.” [sic] Oh sweet baby James Cameron. I’m locking my kids up. They will only be allowed to watch “Big” until they are 18.
Why “Big”? Long story or short? Long it is!
“Big” was probably the only movie with adult content I had viewed by 1997. (That’s an exaggeration. I had seen “Grease” at least 20 times by then. Also, I picked up on some kind of allusion to sexual tension when Marty McFly skates away to “That’s the Power of Love” in “Back to the Future.” AND I once got 15 minutes into “Jerry Macguire” before it was turned off in disgust and my hair was being braided.)
I thought Tom Hanks was the bomb diggity when I was in sixth grade. “Hottie, right, chickas?!”
Warning, 2012 sentence-structure reference up ahead!: That awkward moment when you’re at a sleepover talking about wanting to kiss a man twice your age to the blank stares of all your 10-year-old girlfriends (but they’re not really your girlfriends because you’re in sixth grade and you’re just trying to impress each other while still being prettier than each other while simultaneously trying to not be the first person to pass out and sleep-fart).
In retrospect, Tom Hanks’ kid character in “Big” is just my dream man. Take note, future husband, I would like a trampoline in our living room and baby corn on the reg. What’s that? No, we can just change the diapers less often and save some money that way.
A poll of Alive staffers of their 1997 celebrity heartthrobs produced some fantastic results. Read the list—which includes a few of my own additions—and nod your head because you totally would have image searched at least one of these people in 1997 had Al Gore invented a version of the Internet for the plebs by then.
Jonathan Taylor Thomas
The Lawrence Brothers (whoa!)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and/ or Sarah Michelle Gellar
Jennifer Love Hewitt
The girls from the “Mambo No. 5” video (Denied. That gem didn’t dance our way until 1999.)
Denise Richards and Neve Campbell (Denied again. Those two classy ladies didn’t make out until 1998.)