It was quite a night on Sunday. You know where I was - hosting the Oscar party ... in my house ... by myself.

It was quite a night on Sunday. You know where I was - hosting the Oscar party ... in my house ... by myself.

Sunday night was perfect and I guess it was all thanks to me. In November, America elected a black man president after two disastrous terms of George W. Bush. Race was transcended and people tossed aside centuries-old prejudices.

So, after not being asked to host for a third time, America witnessed a non-comedian hosting the Oscars after what can only be interpreted as two calamitous performances by me. I guess I'm like the George W. Bush of comedy.

I angered the world so much that they were willing to completely redefine their concept of what an Oscar host should be. And, like a phoenix from the ashes of the two massive turds I laid on that stage, rose Hugh Jackman.

He's got it all. He can sing, dance and be overwhelmingly handsome. He was everything you want in an Oscar host. Hugh Jackman is charisma stuffed inside a Greek god and coated in raw talent and garnished with what I can only imagine is a spectacular Australian schlong.

I know Hugh Jackman was great, but we do different things. I tell jokes, but I guess so did he - and he danced and sang. When I hosted I did not do a medley with Beyonce.

Most think I was too busy making quips at the expense of people trying to enjoy themselves. No one gets that I traffic in a certain ironic detachment that can seem cynical and aloof.

I guess if people had enjoyed my performance they wouldn't have asked Wolverine to sing and dance like an Adamantium-laced Fred Astaire. Sigh. Let's move on to the events of the evening.

Now, everybody knew what was going to happen, but there was some suspense at Oscars - like, a cutaway to Angelina while Jen was talking. Would the director catch Angelina dissing Jen with some kind of diss face? Or would Jen freak out and attack Brangelina? Or would nothing happen?

Until the after-party, when a mix of Goldschlager shots and radioactive ooze transformed the trio into a new third organism: Branjenlinastien. I'd still hit that.

Of course, things were a bit different at the Oscars. Each acting award was presented by five previous winners, giving actors the opportunity to do what they do best - compliment each other.

Not all the legends came prepared, though. "If you Google the resume of Richard Jenkins, you'll scroll across a career that includes over 60 films in the last 25 years," said Adrien Brody.

See, I had to Google it because I did not know who he was. By the way, quick side note: Do not Google Richard Jenkins plus donkey. It is not a pretty picture.

Even Jenkins looked up and was like, That is the best you got, dude? If you Google me?

The big winner last night, other than the American people, was Slumdog Millionaire. Damn it! I got nothing right in our Oscar pool. Am I the only one who had Space Chimps for the sweep? It had everything you'd want in a movie: space, chimps ... nonviolent chimps.