Folks, we're going to start today with some facts, some straight talk. Fact one: Right now, the Democratic party is king of Turd Mountain.

Folks, we're going to start today with some facts, some straight talk. Fact one: Right now, the Democratic party is king of Turd Mountain.

They control the presidency, the House, the Senate, the media and the weather. That's right, there hasn't been a hurricane since Barack Obama's been in office. And you thought Katrina was caused by gays.

Fact two: Nature abhors a vacuum. Apparently, a vacuum stole nature's boyfriend in high school.

The point is this, if the Republican party's legislative and philosophical leadership cannot step up to confront the Democrats and fill this void, there is another, more primal, group that will. It turns out that any jackass in a suit willing to go on television and criticize the president can make a pretty hefty living.

So who will emerge as this administration's harpy? Let's get right to the talking-head competition that's been sweeping the nation.

First up, Sean Hannity. This well-known denizen of his own America may have lost his abused same-sex partner, Colmes, but he hasn't lost his ability to criticize the president.

"Obama is literally ripping apart the foundation of the America that we knew and grew up in," Hannity said.

I think that's because the America you knew and grew up in was, uh, segregated. He's pretty douchy, but he's a low-hanging fruit - too obvious.

Now, Lou Dobbs at CNN is making his case with more sophisticated tactics. Captain Are-You-An-American? is relentlessly questioning whether Obama is a U.S. citizen. How is that douchy, you ask? Well, there are three reasons.

One, Dobbs couches his own suspicions in the guise of being merely a helpless observer in the rough seas of uncertainty over Obama's citizenship. ("There are a lot of questions remaining, and seemingly the questions won't go away.")

Second, he has also said, "I believe the president is a citizen." Stating it as a belief means it's something that after a marathon dorm-room session you can be convinced of. No.

Jesus Christ is my lord and savior, Pink Floyd is the greatest band ever, a fondue restaurant is an exciting, ice-breaking date night - those are beliefs. Obama being a citizen of the United States is a fact.

Third, Dobbs has said the debate would be over if Obama would produce his original Hawaiian birth certificate. He's pretending that one last missing piece of empirical evidence will finally put it to rest.

The Birther movement is an expression of outrage against Obama's presidency, not an episode of CSI. Think the final piece of evidence would settle it? You know, like the moon landing? If only we had footage of it.

Anyone who wants to beat Dobbs is going to have to go big or go home.

"This president ... is, I believe, a racist," said Glenn Beck on Fox & Friends. "This president has exposed himself ... as a guy who has deep-seated hatred towards white people or the white culture."

Seventy-five seconds later, Beck claimed the title of top doucher.

"I'm not saying he doesn't like white people," Beck said.

Normally, we have to go pretty far back into the vault to find people contradicting themselves. Very rarely is it a minute and 15 seconds later.

So, according to Beck, Obama is a racist who has deep-seated hatred of white people, but does not dislike white people.

It's like his brain is playing Ping-Pong with itself.