While things continue to deteriorate in Afghanistan, the rest of the world is singing a different tune. Germany, Japan, France and Canada are coming out of recession. Green shoots popping up all over the world - good news for everyone!

While things continue to deteriorate in Afghanistan, the rest of the world is singing a different tune. Germany, Japan, France and Canada are coming out of recession. Green shoots popping up all over the world - good news for everyone!

Except us. The United States is still mired in recession. But we're working our way out, right?

"Unemployment plus underemployment is now 16 percent, and the public doesn't see benefits from this massive debt," CNN reports.

It appears the United States is suffering from a serious case of good news/bad news. Let's start with some good news - the Cash for Clunkers program has been a success.

"It has succeeded well beyond our expectations and all expectations," said President Barack Obama.

We thought it would suck. We put the word "clunkers" right in the title of the program, for God's sake.

So that's good news with no downside, right?

Take a guess - what's the No. 1 car Americans are buying with the stimulus money? A Pontiac Americamobile, perhaps? Nope, it's the Toyota Corolla.

And what car are they turning in most frequently? The Al Qaeda Jihad ZX Convertible, maybe? Nope, it's the Ford Explorer.

Let's have some more good news. Citigroup reported a surprising second-quarter profit of $4.3 billion and Bank of America reported a $3.2 billion profit. Goldman Sachs reported a $3.44 billion profit, while JPMorgan Chase reported a $2.7 billion profit.

Good news, the bailout worked!

Those four banks were bailed out by taxpayers. Good news for Wall Street is good news for Main Street! Unless they're making their profits in a way that would be bad news for consumers.

"It's a record windfall and most of it's coming from the accounts of Americans who can least afford it," CNN reports. "It's a fee frenzy for U.S. banks - they're collecting over $38 billion in overdraft fees this year."

So the banks aren't making money despite the fact their customers are broke, they're making money because their customers are broke.

By the way, good news/bad news fun fact: The Fed has kept interest rates near zero to make it cheaper for banks to get their money, whereas banks have raised their overdraft fees and credit card interest rates. In fact, in the typical overdraft incident, the bank fee works out to an annual interest rate of 3,520 percent.

C'mon, brother, there's got to be some chocolate sauce in this turd sandwich.

"If you have any paper money in your car, your pocket or your purse, chances are you're also carrying around some cocaine," reports Fox News' Shepard Smith. "Scientists at the University of Dartmouth say nine of every 10 bills of any American kind has a trace amount of coke on it."

Well, that makes up for the other 10 percent, which is apparently feces and hepatitis.

Ninety percent of our money has value added! We're not on the gold standard, people, we're on the Columbian gold standard! What does the Euro have on their money, Nutella and ecstasy?

The only bad news in that story would be if the city with the most cocaine on its money were somehow central to our country's power structure.

In fact, "We're told Washington D.C. has the most drug-tainted money," Smith said.

Washington D.C. has the most cocaine on their money, huh? You'd think they'd get more done.