Now that the MLS offseason is underway, recent converts to Crew fandom may thirst for more soccer to tide them over until Columbus returns with a Champions League match against Mexican Champion Toluca on March 9.

Now that the MLS offseason is underway, recent converts to Crew fandom may thirst for more soccer to tide them over until Columbus returns with a Champions League match against Mexican Champion Toluca on March 9.

To satiate such desires, dive head-first into the English Premier League. Matches are readily available on Fox Soccer Channel and ESPN or at your local pub (Claddagh and Fado among them).

To get the full experience, select a club to support. You may decide based on weeks, months or years of observation. Or you could cut to the chase and pick a team based on this handy guide.

Just remember: No one is safe. Thanks to the promotion/relegation system, any club can be demoted out of the Premier League and into the lower "Championship" division by finishing in the bottom three. Just ask Newcastle fans.

For a guaranteed winner, select from:

Manchester United - English soccer's version of the Yankees.

Chelsea - Former working-class London club Chelsea is now bankrolled by Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich, who made them as Yankee-like as Man. U.

Arsenal - The London-based Gunners went undefeated in league play in 2003-04 and have been nearly as good since.

Liverpool - They're suffering their worst season in some time (languishing in seventh place!), but the Reds have more trophies than any other English club.

For a contender, select from:

Tottenham Hotspur, Manchester City - These perennially decent clubs have a fighting chance of qualifying for the UEFA Champions League this year.

To support Yanks abroad, select from:

Fulham - Brian McBride's former club is stocked with U.S. talent, including Carlos Bocanegra, Clint Dempsey and Eddie Johnson.

Everton - The home of top U.S. goalkeeper Tim Howard.

West Ham United - Rising American defender Jonathan Spector plays here.

Hull City - American striker Jozy Altidore is here on loan from Spanish club Villareal.

Aston Villa - Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner employs Brad Friedel, formerly a standout goalie for the Crew and U.S. national team, and his backup Brad Guzan.

If you despise Browns owner Randy Lerner and want to root for his soccer team's archrival, select:

Birmingham City - Constantly bouncing in and out of the Premier League, but comfortably clear of the relegation zone for now.

For a plucky newcomer, select from:

Burnley - Going strong in their first season of Premier League play.

Stoke City - In only their second year of Premiership action, they've ascended to a respectable ninth place.

For an underdog with a sweet nickname, select from:

Blackburn Rovers, Bolton Wanderers, Wigan Athletic - Can't speak for their quality, but their names are absolute class.

Sunderland - They've climbed all the way to eighth place, but more importantly, their nickname is Black Cats.

Wolverhampton Wanderers - Also known as Wolves, which is awesome. They start American goalkeeper Marcus Hahnemann.

If you hail from Portsmouth, Ohio, and/or don't mind rooting for the last-place team, select:

Portsmouth - As Kanye West once sang, "Welcome to heartbreak."