Last week, I was having my usual afternoon down at the orphanage making soup and darning clothes. Fox News was on, and I saw this commercial: "Jon Stewart slams Fox again now Bernie Goldberg fires back at the funnyman. Don't miss an explosive 'O'Reilly Factor' tonight."

Last week, I was having my usual afternoon down at the orphanage making soup and darning clothes. Fox News was on, and I saw this commercial: "Jon Stewart slams Fox again now Bernie Goldberg fires back at the funnyman. Don't miss an explosive 'O'Reilly Factor' tonight."

It's a funny story. A couple weeks ago, I mentioned Fox was upset about the media generalizing who the Tea Partiers are. At that point, I may have shown some of the same people at Fox giddily generalizing about liberals and the left.

And I might have, when presented with this rather bold hypocrisy, told them to go f--- themselves.

"Let me speak directly to Jon Stewart," Goldberg said on O'Reilly's show. "If you just want to be a funnyman who talks to an audience that will laugh at anything you say, that's OK with me. But clearly you want to be a social commentator, more than just a comedian. And if you want to be a good one, you'd better find some guts."

So Goldberg's saying that comedians have to decide whether they're comedians or social commentators. Uh, comedians do social commentary through comedy.

I've not moved out of the comedian box and into the news box - the news box is moving towards me. I'm just doing what idiots like me have been doing for thousands of years. But I assume you have evidence that I've betrayed my craft.

"When you had Frank Rich on your show, who generalizes all the time about conservatives and Republicans being bigots, you didn't ask him a single tough question," Goldberg said. "You gave him a lap dance - you practically had your tongue down his throat."

Frank Rich hasn't been on this show since 2006. Since I gave Rich that lap dance, I don't know if you noticed, but I went back in the champagne room with Bill Kristol five times.

And if you watch this show, and it appears you do, you must remember me and McCain screwing like bunnies. But I guess that's beside the point.

The point is you can't criticize me for not being fair and balanced. That's your slogan - which, by the way, you never follow. This brings us back to the essence of the whole "Go f--- yourself" piece.

Look, I'm sorry I told you to go f--- yourself. I know that I criticize you and Fox News a lot, but only because you're truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization.

I don't need to satisfy your version of what fair satire is or should be. I'm not fair, I'm not balanced. You're criticizing me for not living up to your tagline.

And you dismiss any criticism as further evidence of how the rest of the media persecutes you. You like to pretend that the relentless conservative activism of Fox News is the equivalent of the disorganized liberal influence you find on ABC, NBC and CBS.

You maybe able to detect a liberal pathogen in their bloodstream, however faint, but Fox News is the crazy overreaction to that perceived threat. You're like an autoimmune disorder.

Yes, the virus does exist in some small quantity, but you're producing way too many antibodies. Fox News, you're the lupus of news.

So I guess what I'm saying is, as long as "fair and balanced" is how you sell yourself, go f--- yourself.