After earning team MVP honors last season for his extreme utility as a defender and central midfielder, the Crew's Danny O'Rourke has gotten off to a mixed start this season.

After earning team MVP honors last season for his extreme utility as a defender and central midfielder, the Crew's Danny O'Rourke has gotten off to a mixed start this season.

On the plus side, his hardnosed challenge on Toronto FC goalie Stefan Frei set up a Guillermo Barros Schelotto goal in the season opener, and he assisted on Steven Lenhart's game-tying goal Saturday in Seattle to secure a 1-1 draw.

On the downside, he has been ejected from both of the Crew's road contests this year: first for verbally berating the referee after Columbus surrendered the tying goal in a 2-2 draw at Dallas, then for tallying his second yellow card for an ill-timed slide tackle late in the Seattle match. (Two yellows, of course, equal a red and instant ejection.)

O'Rourke's second red card of the season seems like a perfect occasion for me to introduce several other disciplinary cards the officials should be armed with.

For non-fans out there, allow me to assure you the following rules are 100 percent fake (but should be real):

The Orange Card - Between a yellow and a red in severity, this caution sends a player to the sidelines for a preordained period of time, introducing hockey's power play concept into soccer. A second orange - or a yellow obtained after an orange - results in a red and instant ejection.

The Pink Card - Currently players are awarded a yellow card for diving, flopping or otherwise faking a foul or injury. But those instances of chicanery deserve a more appropriate punishment. The pink card essentially functions as a yellow card, but if you tally more than one in a game, in addition to getting tossed, you must suffer an unprotected slide tackle by the other club's enforcer of choice to show you what a real injury is like.

The Blue Card - This is for when you get absolutely beasted by the competition. At the official's discretion, suffering a monumental burn can land you with a blue card. Rack up five of these in a season, and you're demoted to the minor league USL. (And you soccer snobs thought it couldn't get any worse than MLS )

The Green Card - This is a positive disciplinary action for foreign players in MLS. After an exceptional performance, the referee can award permanent resident status by issuing a green card.

The Black Card - O'Rourke had better watch out. Any player who accumulates three red cards in a season automatically receives a black card, the penalty for a full-season suspension. Players can automatically earn a black card by way of nudity, armed assault or grazing Cuauhtemoc Blanco's thigh with their cleat.