I'm going to begin with tennis, seriously. No, McEnroe didn't finally kill someone.

I'm going to begin with tennis, seriously. No, McEnroe didn't finally kill someone.

There was an amazing story at Wimbledon - the longest match in tennis history took place last Thursday. It was three days, 11 hours of play, a total of 183 games, 881 points, 215 aces, over 1,800 strokes, 472 references to the match being historic, 37 Flomax commercials, three deaths, four births and finally one fart that turned out to be a poop.

What did the fans think after seeing a historically long match? They collectively chanted, "We want more! We want more!"

One of you must die! We are insatiable. Blood shall run like rivers! More tennis!

Speaking of all good things coming to an end, there's the oil spill in the Gulf. They finally got the spill under the control of a containment cap last week. But for how long, you ask?

After only a short while, the containment cap came off, letting the oil leak into the Gulf with nothing stopping it once again.

Apparently, a robot arm at the bottom of the sea closed one of the cap's vents, necessitating the temporary removal of the cap. Man, I'd love to get a word with those BP guys.

"I'd love to talk to that robot that knocked the top off the cap in the bottom of the Gulf. What was that robot thinking?" asked Brian Kilmeade of "Fox & Friends."

Yeah, should we talk to the BP guys or the robot? Kilmeade, robots don't think! They don't cry, they can't fall in love, they can't be your girlfriend. They're f---ing robots!

It's like yelling at your toaster because the English muffin is burnt. "Why toaster, why?! Why have you done this to my breakfast?"

Speaking of fighting a losing battle, there was a change in our forever war in Afghanistan. Last week, President Obama dismissed Gen. Stanley McChrystal for doing the unimaginable - making Rolling Stone magazine relevant.

McChrystal let Rolling Stone into his inner circle, and the result was a piece quoting the general and his aids ripping Obama and members of his team.

McChrystal was quoted: "Obama looked uncomfortable and intimidated by a room full of military brass."

One of McChrystal's aides said their first meeting was, "a 10-minute photo op. Obama clearly didn't know anything about [McChrystal], who he was. Here's the guy who's going to run his f---ing war, but he didn't seem very engaged. The boss was pretty disappointed."

The article also quoted McChrystal and his aides describing various administration officials as clowns and annoyances, and referred to Vice President Joe Biden as "Bite Me."

They even called Bo the White House dog one of them hypoallergenic, four-legged gaywads of a pet. Not cool!

Wait, you're with I'll Never Print This magazine, right? I may be a four-star general and you may be a reporter from some hippie magazine, but I feel like I can trust you.

Way to play it close to the vest, McChrystal.