From time to time I like to check in with the local news from Los Angeles hoping to reinforce my vow to never ever live there. So, how's it going out there?

From time to time I like to check in with the local news from Los Angeles hoping to reinforce my vow to never ever live there. So, how's it going out there?

"More questions than answers this morning about a mystery missile launch last night off the Southern California coast," said Leyna Nguyen of CBS2 in Los Angeles.

Well, that's a new reason to add to my list of why to not live there:

1. Earthquakes

2. Wildfires

3. Mudslides

4. Hollywood D-bags

5. Unidentified incoming missiles

This is one of those stories that at first blush seems mysterious, but ultimately turns out to have a very banal, not-newsworthy resolution. In other words, it's 24-hour news network catnip.

"Somebody knows. Whoever launched it has to know," said Fox News' Shepard Smith.

Someone or something has or has not launched a missile or not a missile. And believe me , whoever did or did not do this, they know who they are or are not.

"We have called every military base in the area. We have called NORAD. We have called NORTHCOM," said Fox News' Trace Gallagher.

I can't believe cutting through our national security bureaucracy to find out something that may not have actually happened would take longer than an hour-long cable news shift.

But hey, while we're waiting, why not assume it could be anything: a missile from a Navy ship, a secret test, a Russian sub, a commercial launch of a satellite, an optical illusion, a meteorite, a show of American force, a U.S. intercontinental ballistic missile, or some kind of black ops or secret undercover operation.

Maybe the helicopter pilot who shot the original video could answer some of the questions.

Pilot Gil Leyvas said it looked like an incoming missile as he zoomed in and stayed on it for about 10 minutes.

Did you say 10 minutes? On an incoming missile that he was able to track for 10 minutes? Don't missiles travel like 18,000 mph?

So, 10 minutes in missile time is 3,000 miles. If it was a missile, wouldn't it be in effing Hawaii by then? Maybe this missile thing isn't actually a missile.

"If I were to put money on the table, I'd put money on an airplane," said physicist Michio Kaku.

Well, the problem was seemingly solved. The news media is going to look pretty silly freaking out over this, and I think we know who they're going to blame.

"[The Pentagon] hesitated. They wanted to make sure we were told it was not some sort of secret black operation they didn't know about," said Fox News correspondent Jennifer Griffin. "But in that hesitation, they provided grist for a lot of conspiracy theories."

So basically, the cable news networks were just extorting the Pentagon with their wild theories.

Why is it that in the absence of Pentagon confirmation everyone had to live in fear for a few hours? It was like the nuclear Armageddon version of that whole "balloon boy" episode.