Let's talk about last week's GOP debate. Before we get into Texas Gov. Rick Perry's ABC Wide World of Sports "agony of defeat"-worthy brain turd, I would like to call the fight. Throw in the towel. Republicans, you didn't want Mitt Romney? Too bad, you get Mitt Romney.

Let's talk about last week's GOP debate. Before we get into Texas Gov. Rick Perry's ABC Wide World of Sports "agony of defeat"-worthy brain turd, I would like to call the fight. Throw in the towel. Republicans, you didn't want Mitt Romney? Too bad, you get Mitt Romney.

At this point it's so bad we don't even need to talk about Romney clinching the debate, but merely the spontaneous combustion of his opponents.

First, chief Romney rival in the polls, Herman Cain. The guy is in the middle of a scandal involving his treatment of women. Then he lays down this turd discussing the highest-ranking female official this country has ever had.

"We didn't hear about [the legislation] in the previous Congress because Princess Nancy sent it to committee and it stayed there," Cain said.

Not "I disagree vehemently with the former Speaker of the House," or "Minority Leader Pelosi is wrong on the issue," but "princess!" You know there is an age above which most women don't wish to be referred to as "princess." I believe that age is five.

There's only three times you should ever use that term: with an actual member of the royal family, with a new Maltese puppy or umm … the EPA?

Can Newt Gingrich take advantage? He's got experience, name recognition - Newt - and a reputation as the right's idea man. Only problem is every one of those ideas is seasoned with a lot of dickishness.

Everybody loves the Pillsbury Doughboy, but nobody is going to vote for his angrier, know-it-all brother.

Ron Paul? The guy is for gay marriage, legalizing drugs, and against military spending and has criticized Ronald Reagan. He's certainly capable of winning his party's nomination, but the Republican Party ain't his party.

Michele Bachmann? Nobody has seen her since she won the Ames, Iowa Straw Poll and stated the HPV vaccine can do irreparable harm. Turns out she's right, and her campaign is proof.

That leaves three people: Jon Huntsman, Rick Santorum and oh, what's the third one there? The um … Transportation Department?

Why can't Huntsman, the handsome Mormon ex-governor, beat Romney? Cause he is Romney, just not quite. It's like with the Baldwins. Billy's great, but given a choice you're going with Alec. Why can't Santorum win? Because nobody, when given a choice of Baldwins, is picking Stephen.

All that's left is Rick Perry - the tough talking, God-fearing, boot-wearing, prisoner-killing governor of Texas. Well, he had that one big mistake at last week's debate.

"I'll tell you, it's three agencies of government when I get there that are gone. Commerce, education and what's the third one there? And, the um … E.P.A.," Perry said.

My favorite part of Perry's horrible F-up is when, just for a second, he looks like he's going to fake a stroke to get out of the whole thing - yell "I smell toast" and collapse.

People are calling Perry's mistake a "brain fart," but it's so much more than that. That was explosive brain diarrhea while wearing white brain pants on brain school picture day.