The Daily Show: Phoned In

From the November 24, 2011 edition

As many of you know, I’m a bit of a news connoisseur. My office is wired with 16 TVs all simultaneously tuned to news channels and a Power Glove hooked up to one of those “Minority Report” screens so I can slide footage around in real time — it’s how we make the video montages for the show.

The point is I’ve seen my share of crazy s--- on TV. But on Brian Williams’ Monday night edition of his news show, “Rock Center,” the insanity bar was raised to a whole new level when Bob Costas received a phone call from former Penn State assistant football coach and accused child rapist Jerry Sandusky.

Now I’m no lawyer, but it seems to me when you’re accused of one of the most heinous crimes imaginable you may not want to, literally, phone in your defense on national television.

So when Costas asked, “Are you sexually attracted to young boys, underage boys?” Sandusky shouldn’t have repeated the question.

You must have known that question was coming. Everyone knows the only time you repeat a question is when you’re guilty.

Example: “Did you use my electric razor to shave your pubes?” “Did I use your electric razor to shave my pubes?”

You are about to lie! I don’t have to be a lawyer to know a lie is coming. I’ve lied before, so I know what you do before you lie.

“Sexually attracted? No, I enjoy young people. I love to be around them. But no, I’m not sexually attracted to young boys,” Sandusky eventually responded.

He couldn’t even bring himself to lie emphatically. It’s like he’s actually fighting the urge to come clean. Apparently he wasn’t prepared for that question, and it didn’t get any easier.

In case you were wondering where Sandusky’s lawyer was during all this, he was sitting next to Costas.

“Would you allow your own children to be alone with your client?” Costas asked Sandusky’s lawyer, Joe Amendola.

“Absolutely, I believe in Jerry’s innocence. Quite honestly, Bob, that’s why I’m involved in the case,” Amendola said.

So he’d leave his kids alone with Sandusky. Are the kids you’d leave alone with him any of the kids you had when you impregnated a teenage client who gave birth before she turned 18 back in 1996, when you were at the time 49 years old? What kind of creepy guy club do you both belong to?

Again, I’m not a lawyer, but if you’re accused of forcible sex with minors, maybe your criteria for finding a defense lawyer shouldn’t be “also has issues with sexual boundaries.”

Look, Sandusky, you’re a defensive coordinator. You should have been able to coordinate a better defense.

It’s easy; you should have called the prevent defense. It’s where when the ball snaps, you pull the entire defense and send everybody to prevent you from moving within 50 yards of a kid.