There was some big news over the weekend involving one of the candidates for the Republican nomination. Pizza mogul and alleged lady fondler Herman Cain told the press he would be making a big announcement about the fate of his campaign.

There was some big news over the weekend involving one of the candidates for the Republican nomination. Pizza mogul and alleged lady fondler Herman Cain told the press he would be making a big announcement about the fate of his campaign.

Oh, I was so hoping this would be good. You see, Cain is a man who feels it's appropriate to refer to a former Soviet satellite as "Uzbeki-beki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan" and has never met a question he couldn't answer with "9-9-9." And I host a comedy program and don't like working hard, so we belong together.

When I look at him I don't see a presidential candidate, I see a delicious, delicious steak.

Anyway, Cain didn't disappoint me. When Cain was introduced, he wasn't even on stage - he drove up in his bus.

That is the beauty of Herman Cain; you don't know if he planned this or if he was just late. But enough about his entrance, let's get to his announcement.

"As of today, with a lot of prayer and soul searching, I am suspending my presidential campaign," Cain said.

The crowd booed with disappointment, and Cain seemed to sense that his supporters needed something to lift their spirits, which led to him saying the greatest nine words ever spoken by an American politician.

"I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie," Cain said.

Go on.

"Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. It's never easy when there's so much on the line," he continued.

I'm going to miss him so much. At least Cain performed that as well as its original performer, Donna Summer. That's right, Cain's farewell address - the words of wisdom to his followers and supporters, the final moments of his campaign - is from the closing credits of a Pokemon movie. The thing they play to get you out of the theater.

So where does this leave the Republican Party? You won't believe it.

"I'm going to be the nominee. It's very hard to look at the recent polls and not think I'm going to be the nominee," Newt Gingrich said.

That's so crazy. Republicans are up Newt creek without a paddle. Why will Newt be the nominee?

"Those guys were the new kids on the block, and isn't this wonderful and wouldn't it be great if it worked out, but we don't know anything about them. I'm the guy who's been around forever," said Gingrich.

That's Newt Gingrich's pitch?! "I'm the thing that has been in your pantry forever"?

You can try your newfangled Popped Tarts and Eggoed Waffles, but if you look way in the back, there's a can of La Choy baby corn - a product that may or may not still be offered by the La Choy company. You don't remember buying it, yet you don't remember ever being without it.

And now you have no choice but to elect it president.