Friends, it’s that time of year again for holiday magic: The twinkling of lights, the nogging of egg and of course, anger and bitter disappointment.
“Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee is coming under fire after refusing to call the tree in the Rhode Island State House a Christmas tree,” said Fox News’ Gretchen Carlson.
He insists people call it “the devil’s pine,” or the at least “Satan’s spruce.” Fox’s war on Christmas is back, and this year’s designated Scrooge is Gov. Chafee.
A couple of weeks ago he had the audacity to invite Americans to a tree-lighting ceremony. Judging by Fox News’ reaction you’d think he called it a Jesus-tipping ceremony.
“For the past eight years before this governor, the former governor did call it a Christmas tree,” said Carlson.
Actually, that’s not true. The previous Republican governor’s 2009 invitation to this very same ceremony also uses the offending phrase “holiday tree lighting.” How is that not akin to wiping your a-- with the Shroud of Turin?
But who cares if it’s true? The important thing is that allowing this heathen governor to defile a sacred ritual is an affront our nation’s founding principles.
“Why did these Pilgrims brave incredibly difficult conditions to live here, die here and to try to start a new way of life for themselves? Because of religious freedom,” said Fox News contributor Laura Ingraham.
Religious freedom is on the rocks! Of course, it’s not as on the rocks as it was in the 17th century when your friends the Pilgrims outlawed Christmas celebrations as a sacrilege, declared gifts and Christmas decorations as satanic and levied a five-shilling fine on anyone for saying, “Merry Christmas.” In those days, five shillings was worth two milk cows and a buckled hat.
Perhaps Fox would prefer to celebrate Christmas the way our founding fathers did. On Dec. 25, 1789, Congress sat in session and continued to stay open on Christmas Day for most of the next 67 years.
How’s that taste, mofos? That’s right. When the country was founded, Congress had the same attitude about the sanctity of Christmas celebrations as a 7-Eleven does today: Yeah, we’re open.
Fox takes for granted the ubiquity of Christmas. If we’re in a war, Christmas is the aggressor nation. Right now every public space of the country looks like it has been hit with a 500-pound tinsel bomb and the White House looks like a yuletide episode of “Hoarders.”
In fact, many of these displays are subsidized by — What’s that thing you don’t want to spend on anything? — taxpayer money.
If you really want to fight about something taking the Christ out of Christmas, how about that “All I Want For Christmas is You” video with Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber.
Whatever you think is the reason for the season, it doesn’t involve Mariah Carey in half a Santa suit presenting herself to Justin Bieber like a horny bonobo monkey.