The Daily Show: Intervention 2012

From the December 27, 2011 edition

In the search for a Republican presidential candidate, voters have test-driven everyone from Michele Bachmann to Rick Perry in increased desperation, but it appears their ride has arrived in the form of a Chevy Capricious.

“It’s very hard to look at the recent polls and not think that I’m going to be the nominee,” Newt Gingrich said.

So I would like to say to the Republican primary voters, don’t do this. Seriously. I know you’re mad the country is being run by a foreign-born Hawaiian who is a radical Christian Muslim socialist that’s in the pocket of Wall Street, and sometimes Gingrich looks like Ronald Reagan.

But he’s not Reagan. He’s more like the Norman Rockwell painting of Ayn Rand kicking Jimmy Carter in the balls. Reagan has a certain charm and gentility, but Gingrich is like what would happen if Reagan had been abandoned as a child and raised by a family of cacti.

“One of the great tragedies of the Bush administration … the more successful they’ve been at intercepting and stopping bad guys, the less proof there is that we’re in danger … it’s like every once in a while they should have let an attack get in … think about the psychology,” Gingrich said in 2008.

Look, Republicans, I know you miss the intoxicating high of the early ’80s, but look in the mirror, man. Look where chasing the Reagan has led you: to the basement of a broken-down drug den sucking Newts to score some $5 Gingrich.

You don’t have to do this, and if you won’t listen to me — and I know that you won’t because you don’t particularly care for me and find what I do crass and misleading — listen to your friends. Everyone is here because they love you.

“I’m not inclined to be a supporter of Newt Gingrich, having served under him for four years and having experienced his leadership. … I found it lacking,” said Sen. Tom Coburn, R-Oklahoma.

And Coburn is from one of the most Republican states in the country. You can’t even find people with blue eyes in Oklahoma. Coburn is so conservative he once launched a campaign against showing “Schindler’s List” on TV because of the nudity. That’s what strikes you as obscene in “Schindler’s List”?!

Hell, even Rep. Peter King, R-New York, said Gingrich was “too erratic … does not have the discipline, the capacity to control himself and can’t stay focused.” Descriptions like “can’t control himself,” “can’t stay focused” and “too erratic” are usually followed by the phrase, “He’s disruptive at naptime and a bit of the biter.”

All right, before you make your decision, GOP, there’s one more person who wants to say something. And if you don’t think you’ve hit rock bottom yet, maybe you will.

“He is the only candidate that I cannot vote for,” Glenn Beck said recently about Gingrich.

How much more do you need? What Beck said is the political equivalent of waking up in a Dumpster with someone else’s condom in your pants.