The Daily Show: Cut it out, Iran

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From the January 19, 2012 edition

We’ve been so focused on the early primaries that I wonder what’s going on in the rest of the world.

“Iran’s top nuclear official has now announced that Iran is defying the rest of the world, starting production at a second uranium enrichment site,” MSNBC reported.

That’s a little unnerving — Iran enriching uranium. I don’t think anyone wants to see them get a nuclear weapon. But apparently they are trying to get radioisotopes by enriching this uranium because they have 800,000 cancer patients who need it.

Oh, I didn’t realize this was for medical reasons. Maybe your people wouldn’t have such a high cancer rate if you didn’t spend all of your waking time trying to enrich uranium.

What’s up, Iran? I thought we were trying to be cool with each other. It seems like our Persian Gulf military presence has been hooking you guys up pretty sweetly.

The U.S. Coast Guard came to an Iranian flagged ship in distress in the Persian Gulf recently. And this was just after we rescued 13 Iranian fishermen from Somali pirates who’d been held there for two months.

Iran, why are you poking at us? I know it’s fun to annoy us, pull on the great Satan’s beard. You do realize there are a lot of people in this country who would like to bomb you?

Have you paid any attention to your region’s history in the past 10 years or so? Do you want us to bomb you? What did you look at Iraq and think, “How do we get in on some of that action? We have way too many working roads and erect buildings.”

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but ever since our manufacturing base departed in the ’70s, bombing stuff in the desert is kind of our thing now. Our chief export is booms, and the Obama administration doesn’t play.

“Our red line to Iran is, do not develop a nuclear weapon,” said Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta on “Face the Nation.”

All right, I’ll grant you that the Obama administration isn’t great with the tough talk. But he may not be around for much longer. There’s an election going on here. We’re not like you; we don’t keep these guys forever.

“There have been scientists turning up dead in Russia and Iran. There have been computer viruses, there have been problems at their facility. I hope that the United States has been involved with that,” Rick Santorum said.

Did you hear that?! That’s a candidate for a major political party in our country expressing his fervent hope that we are secretly murdering your scientists. And by the way, that dude is what we call “pro-life.”

In fact, if Iran keeps this up I wouldn’t be surprised if Obama doesn’t bomb you himself just to keep these other guys from calling him chicken s---. Let me say this: Americans don’t hate you, Iran, and I hope Iranians don’t hate us, but if you really want a war … then screw with America during election season.