The Daily Show: Hebrew Nationalist

From the March 15, 2012 edition

Last week President Obama welcomed Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu for a quick nosh. Netanyahu was here to remind Americans that we all face nuclear annihilation at the hands of the Iranians.

“If it looks like a duck, if it walks like a duck and if it quacks like a duck, what is it? That’s right, it’s a duck. But this duck is a nuclear duck,” Netanyahu said.

I think going with the duck undercuts the urgency of your message. “Nuclear duck” sounds like the name of a terrible Adult Swim show — an awesome Adult Swim show if you’re high.

You really need a more threatening Armageddon metaphor, seeing as it’s already taken by Aflac and because Iran has taken notice of Israel’s first-strike threat.

“The Zionist regime is truly a cancerous tumor in this region that should be cut and will be cut,” said Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei.

Israel comes out with “you’re a duck,” and this mofo comes with “you’re a cancer.” This guy is good — supreme in fact. By the way, the supreme means he comes with sour cream.

My point is that Israel and Iran are taunting each other with overheated war rhetoric, and America needs to be responsible and break up this schoolyard fight before somebody gets hurt.

“I would be saying to the Iranians, you need to open up those facilities, begin to dismantle them and make them available to inspectors or we will degrade those facilities through airstrikes,” Rick Santorum said.

Oh right, it’s an election year, and candidates are talking tough. I’m sure Iran knows not to take those guys literally. Iran has been hearing a lot of talk about America and bombs, but they shouldn’t be too worried. Let me explain.

Are you familiar with Florida — the region in the southern United States that we’ve filled with old Jews and young Christians? Whoever wins it wins the presidency, and in Florida, they would like to bomb Iran.

So the talk of war from American politicians isn’t actually meant for Iran, it’s for Florida. That’s why on Super Tuesday each Republican candidate took time out to address the Israeli political action committee, AIPAC. See? They love Israel, unlike that other guy they’re running to replace.

“That’s why people like myself believe that [Obama] threw Israel under the bus,” Mitt Romney said.

Whereas I, Mitt Romney, will retrieve Israel from under that bus and posthumously baptize it.

So Obama hates Israel. Even John Galliano and Mel Gibson are like, “Obama, take it down a notch.” That’s what made Obama’s appearance at AIPAC pretty surprising.

“When it comes to preventing Iran from getting a nuclear weapon, I will take no options off the table … a political effort, a diplomatic effort, an economic effort and yes, a military effort,” Obama said there.

There you have it. Basically the parameters for debate on Israel range all the way from, “I unequivocally support them and might bomb Iran,” to, “I unequivocally support them and will definitely bomb Iran.”