The Daily Show: The Bangover

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From the May 3, 2012 edition

The ongoing scandal involving the Secret Service’s shenanigans down in Colombia, when they traveled there earlier this month to prepare the way for the president’s visit, now seems to be ever-widening.

“Six of the 12 Secret Service agents implicated have either resigned or been fired, and there’s word that another agent has taken a prostitute to a sensitive location,” reported Bill Plante of CBS News.

I would assume that is standard operating procedure, vis-a-vis prostitutes and locations and their respective sensitivity. Nobody wants someone to rub their elbow. Unfortunately, this latest scandal has taken some of our nation’s finest political reporters on a whirlwind tour of sexy time.

“The sex tourist trade here is very popular [and] we also know that a lot of single scantily clad women hang out in the discotheque, too, where these Secret Service men were partying,” reported CNN’s Drew Griffin.

Uh, we have also learned that these women smell amazing, an intoxicating mix of lavender and sadness. And we have found that breast glitter doesn’t come out of your clothes. It’s impervious to lint rollers.

As awful as the scandal is, the thing that’s amazed me most about this story came out as a side note.

“David Chaney, a Secret Service supervisor who has put in for retirement in the wake of the scandal, faces scrutiny for a photo that reportedly surfaced on his Facebook page showing him on Sarah Palin’s security detail. The comment posted said, ‘I was really checking her out, if you know what I mean,’” reported NBC’s Mark Potter.

First of all, we’re not really confused about what you mean. It’s kind of a single entendre — nobody thinks she’s a library book.

Secondly, how does a Secret Service guy have a Facebook page where he posts pictures of him guarding political figures? Hey check it out, it’s me as the single trail agent on a standard V-line protection formation. The only vulnerability is from the right flank … if you know what I mean.

Are Secret Service guys on Foursquare, too? Hey, just checking in at the president’s previously undisclosed location.

As much as this scandal may indicate the need for new procedures and culture within the Secret Service, the problem may be more widespread.

“I can’t help but wonder if there’d been more women as part of that detail if this ever would have happened,” said Sen. Susan Collins, R-Maine.

Yes, and think of the money we’d save from paying them less. So having enough women in a group helps keep a lid on bad behavior. Once again, what a great deal for women. Don’t bother reforming your agency’s training program or establishing a “no a-holes on Facebook” rule. Just hire a couple of special female agents in charge of buzzkill.

All right boys, spit out your beers and put your dicks away — Special Agent Nagatha Christie is on the case.

Men should be offended by this as well; Collins is implying that a group of men can’t go away together and not try to bang everyone within 100 feet. OK, that is true.