Crew: Prepare to rock with KC/DC

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From the July 12, 2012 edition

Thanks to a scheduling quirk, the Crew’s next four matches will be against Sporting KC and DC United, two clubs that occupy first and second place respectively in the Eastern Conference standings.

That could be terrible news for Columbus, which tumbled to seventh place out of 10 Eastern clubs by blowing a second-half lead and losing 2-1 to lowly Montreal last weekend. A grueling stretch like this could be enough to sink this season.

But it could also be great news. If there was ever a way to improve your club’s situation in tangible and intangible ways, it’s stealing some points from the best teams in your conference. Think of how inspiring it would be for the Crew to bust out a four-game winning streak against Eastern elites. And think of how far they’d catapult up the standings.

The trouble is actually accomplishing such a feat. Let’s spend some time getting the Crew fired up to run this gauntlet.

Sporting KC: Did you guys hear Andy Gruenebaum got snubbed for the starting spot on this year’s All-Star team? That’s right, the Hebrew Hammer, sacred protector of the goalmouth, he who has minded the net so dutifully and delivered the Crew from so much trouble, has been denied the right to represent his league against English Premier League power Chelsea later this month.

And who, pray tell, gets to do it instead? Why, that rapscallion from Kansas City, Jimmy Nielsen! Let’s destroy him!

In fact, that presumptuous Dane isn’t the only reason for outrage. KC has three All-Star starters on their roster, while you guys have none. Destroy them all! Few sounds are sweeter than an entire stadium coming together to sing “OH-VER-RAY-TED!”

DC United: If you think getting angry about those villains was easy, just wait until you start thinking about the original bad guys of MLS, DC United. Do you realize how often this club used to crush the Crew’s dreams? Do you realize their coach is one of the former dream-crushers, that sniveling oaf Ben Olsen? Do you realize they dress like Nazis?

If that wasn’t enough to stoke your ire, DC just brought in a pair of wealthy co-owners who intend to build United into the kind of evil empire that used to keep the rest of MLS mercilessly underfoot. Are you going to just sit there and let them rebuild the Death Star?

I also heard they said mean things about all of your mothers.

Dispatch file photo