The Daily Show: Of Vice and Men

From the July 12, 2012 edition

Recently New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo had planned to decriminalize small amounts of marijuana. This would permit people to carry up to 25 grams of marijuana for personal use without getting arrested.

“Governor Cuomo confirming today that his proposal to decriminalize small amounts of marijuana is dead … it went up in smoke following opposition in the Republican-controlled state Senate,” News 12 reported in New York.

Look, here’s the crazy part. This bill is dead in New York, but in New Jersey the state assembly voted to decriminalize 15 grams of marijuana a couple of weeks ago. Then New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said he didn’t support it and would veto the bill.

Do you know what this means, people? We’re a governor swap away from making the Garden State into the Holy S---, Look at That Garden State. And what’s the deal with this whole veto, Christie? I thought you were cool, man.

“The federal government, whether you agree or disagree, still says that marijuana is an illegal drug … I don’t think the states should be in the business of undercutting the federal government on that policy,” Christie said.

As much as I disagree — I don’t think marijuana should be illegal — it is illegal on the federal level. And Christie is a former prosecutor, and a man of conviction and principals. He doesn’t believe the state should supersede federal law.

“We intend to go forward and allow sports gambling to happen. If someone wants to stop us, then they’ll have to take action to try to stop us,” Christie said on May 24.

What the?! Wait, how did Governor Guys-stop-smoking-pot-it’s-against-the-law just go Dirty Harry on the federal ban on sports gambling? What’s the difference between the two?

“I don’t think any of us are under the illusion that betting on NFL games isn’t happening every week in New Jersey,” Christie said.

Okay, I have an idea. Let’s replace the phrase, “betting on NFL games” with the phrase “getting high.” Again, how is this different?

“It would have been a different feeling 30 or 40 years ago, but the fact is that now gaming is everywhere,” Christie said.

All right, now let’s replace the word “gaming” with the phrase “getting high.” I’m still not seeing how challenging the federal law for gambling is OK, but challenging it for marijuana is not OK.

“Let’s have the people benefiting from it be the state of New Jersey, not the criminal organizations across New Jersey who are benefiting from it now,” Christie said.

Okay, let’s replace … actually you don’t need to replace any words in that for it to be a justification that you decriminalize marijuana. I know how to fix this.

Gov. Christie, sports betting and weed aren’t as different as you might think. Clearly gaming is your thing, and that’s cool. So here’s what I’d like you to do: Why don’t you just think of using marijuana as betting you’re going to have a better day?