The Daily Show: Smear and Loathing

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From the July 26, 2012 edition

Remember former Rep. Anthony Weiner? He was the guy who took photos of his penis and sexted them. It’s been around a year since that scandal broke, and Weiner and his wife, Huma Abedin, just posed for a lovely story in People magazine about how they’ve moved on with their lives. You know what? Good for them, and especially for her. It was a tough year, and now things are much better. They have this beautiful baby, and it’s just wonderful.

“Representative Michele Bachmann and four of her Republican colleagues in Congress are calling for an investigation … they point fingers at Huma Abedin, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s deputy chief of staff, implying that she may somehow be working on behalf of the Muslim Brotherhood,” Anderson Cooper reported.

Oh my God! It’s the perfect cover — an American-hating Muslim extremist gets a high-profile, stringent-background-check job with a former first lady, marries a pro-Israel Jewish guy and begins producing Muslim Zionist terror-baby armies. Has 9/11 taught us nothing, people?!

I should slow down a minute. This is Bachmann we’re talking about — so I know it’s been thought out very reasonably. Let’s hear her evidence.

“Let’s start with Abedin’s father, a professor of social science and founder of the Institute of Muslim Minority Affairs in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, decades ago … Professor Abedin’s institute had the support of another man named Umar Abdullah Nassif, who was a former general secretary of another group called the Muslim World League. Bachmann says that according to the Pew Forum the Muslim World League has a history of ‘being closely aligned and partnering with the Muslim Brotherhood,’” Cooper said.

Wow, that is airtight. So Abedin’s dad, who unfortunately passed away a long time ago, knew a guy a long time ago who used to know another guy who might have something to do with the Muslim Brotherhood. This is like six degrees of people who don’t eat bacon. Seriously though, if you want to be that circuitous, you could probably connect anyone to Islamic terror, even Bachmann.

The name Bachmann is also the name of a company that makes pretzels — the very snack complicit in the failed 2002 assassination attempt on George W. Bush when he choked on a Bachman pretzel. If that attempt had succeeded, it would have prevented Bush from invading Iraq and killing Saddam Hussein, who — though unconnected to the 9/11 terrorists — fought a war with the country (Iran) whose border also touches the country (Afghanistan) the 9/11 attacks were launched from.

That was really hard. Let’s try and do it a simpler way. The bank HSBC works with al Qaeda. How do we connect the terrorist money-financiering bank to Bachmann? Oh, that’s right, through a 2008 campaign donation.

There’s also one more piece of unsettling evidence against Bachmann. She’s married to Marcus Bachmann, who we all know is hiding something. His name is an anagram for Arab’s Man Muncch.