The Daily Show: Wizards of ID

By
From the August 16, 2012 edition

These are troubled times in this majestic land, but there is one problem in our great nation which stands out above all others.

“Voter fraud, do we know how big of a problem it is?” asked one inquisitive Fox News anchor recently.

I’m going to guess it’s bigger than ringworm, but less than Bieber fever. Actually, I didn’t realize we have a voter fraud problem in this country. Yes, conservatives and their media division, Fox News, are up in arms over voter fraud, and this year — almost entirely in swing states with Republican-controlled legislatures — they are doing something about it.

States are spending millions of dollars to combat voter fraud through strategies like purging voter rolls and requiring photo IDs even though a study by a group that supports these laws, the National Republican Lawyers Association — which by the way, if you ever just want to smoke some cigars and play some golf with some real douchebags, they’re your guys — found it’s not as big an issue as you would think.

“The national association of Republican lawyers found 340 cases of voter fraud over a 10-year period in all of America,” CNN reported.

Oh my gosh! That’s almost .7 cases per state per year. It also includes registration fraud like registering the wrong address or writing Mickey Mouse on a petition, which photo IDs would not address.

Even Pennsylvania, which is defending its voter photo ID law, said this: “The parties are not aware of any incidents of in-person voter fraud in Pennsylvania … There is no evidence that in-person voter fraud is likely to occur in November 2012 in the absence of the photo ID law.”

I rest my case, your honor. It doesn’t happen. This won’t stop it. I think you can see why we have to do it now. Next case: leash laws for unicorns.

It’s odd that Republicans are throwing money at this problem that doesn’t seem to have any evidence behind it. I can think of another issue that has a larger body of scientific work behind it that they are somewhat reluctant to tackle.

“We don’t know what is causing climate change on this planet, and the idea of spending trillions and trillions of dollars to try to reduce carbon dioxide emissions is not the right course for us,” Mitt Romney said.

So who does requiring photo IDs affect?

“It will specifically target minorities, the poor, elderly, students,” MSNBC reported.

Finally the free ride for this country’s minorities, poor, elderly and students is over. No more living on Easy Street for people who already live on Skid Row. The only thing more blatant would be if you had some Republican state representative from Pennsylvania touting how voter ID laws would hand the presidential election to Republicans.

“Voter ID, which is going to allow Governor Romney to win the state of Pennsylvania, done,” said Rep. Mike Turzai, R-Allegheny.

Nobody is videotaping this, right? Because if so, I’m going to look like an asshole.