Objects of Desire: Wine openers that work

By
From the August 23, 2012 edition

One summer during college, I didn’t move home. Instead I subleased a friend’s room in a three-bedroom house out in the sticks.

Because we were miles away from anything that matters to a college kid, my roommates and I spent most of those hot nights drinking beer and regurgitating “Family Guy” jokes as if they were our own.

One night we really wanted to share some wine and watch the sunset, but we could not find a wine opener anywhere, and trying to peel out a cork with a knife could be an Olympic sport.

Thus, my roommate did the only logical thing he could think of as I ransacked the drawers for a wine opener. He shot the bottle open with a BB gun by aiming a BB directly through the stem of the bottle.

Men!

Why didn’t we just drive to town and purchase one of those flimsy little corkscrew things? I don’t know.

Why we didn’t have a wine opener in that massive house? I don’t know that, either. Three other things that disappear as soon as I need them: umbrellas, lighters and nail clippers.

As I watched him spoon out glass bits from the precious vino, I became determined to invest in a good wine opener that worked efficiently.

Enter: this fancy fella, the chrome Connoisseur’s Wine Opener from Brookstone. Using it is my big party trick because it’s so impressive.

I use the small tool to slice off the paper surrounding the lip of the bottle. Then I lift up the handle of the wine opener, place it over the stem of the bottle, squeeze, lower the lever down and lift the handle up again. It pulls the cork right out — no bullets necessary.

The Brookstone opener cost me about $40, and I’ve had it for five years. I realize now some things are worth paying for.

I also realize now that telling jokes in Stewie Griffin-cadence can be funny but isn’t really that creative … and you shouldn’t leave men alone with dangerous toys.

College. You learn so much.

Objects of Desire is a biweekly column that explores the items Columbus shoppers crave. Follow Jackie Mantey on Twitter at @Jackie_Mantey and on Pinterest at Pinterest.com/alivestyle.

Photo by Tessa Berg