Election Survival Guide: Field guide to navigating political landmines

By Columbus Alive
From the October 18, 2012 edition

Following is a quick guide for maintaining healthy, fight-free relationships with those pesky people with overzealous political opinions that are different from yours.

On Facebook

First move: A passive-aggressive “Like” or a “Like” of a ballsy dissenter’s comment on the friend’s original post will make you feel better. Or enlist the uninformed friend in a “Poke” battle.

Final warning: Unsubscribe from the culprit’s posts or install Social Fixer, a program that helps eliminate political posts from your Newsfeed. It will also show you who has unfriended you — because someone likely thinks you’re a jerk, too.

Last resort: Impeach the sucker. Defriend.

With family

First move: Move out of your parents’ house.

Final warning: Self-medicate at family gatherings alongside Drunk Uncle. He’s voted since Carter was president the same way he filled out multiple-choice tests in high school — always pick number C!

Last resort: Cry to Mom. She’ll get all those meanies to stop picking away at your dreams like they’ve done ever since you were five and professed your plan to be an adult magician clown.

At the bar

First move: As soon as offensive political speak spews from his mouth, plant a big kiss on him and say, “Sorry, I don’t date [insert political party here]” and walk away. Perhaps you’ll change his vote, you saucy tease.

Final warning: Load up the jukebox with songs that support your side. Examples: “Courtesy Red, White and Blue,” by Toby Keith; “Imagine,” by John Lennon; “1812 Overture,” by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky.

Last resort: Just debate him or her. The liquid courage will make you feel like you won the argument no matter what.