Election Survival Guide: Summing up the third party candidates

By Columbus Alive
From the October 18, 2012 edition

Conceptually, voting for a third party is not insane. According to the Federal Election Commission, the Presidential Election Campaign Fund gave Democrats and Republicans $18 million each for 2012 conventions and $91 million for campaigning. Third parties with at least 5 percent of the vote are eligible for those funds next election, which, in theory, would put them on a more even standing with the two major parties.

The trouble is finding a candidate who isn’t completely insane.

Stewart Alexander

Party: Socialist

Vote for him if: You don’t think the government controlling banks, business and healthcare is even slightly Orwellian.

Susan E. Daniels

Party: Independent

Vote for her if: You believe Obama’s Social Security Number is invalid.

Virgil Goode

Party: Constitution

Vote for him if: You believe the Constitution envisions America as a Christian theocracy.

Gary Johnson

Party: Libertarian

Vote for him if: You aren’t living free enough.

Jill Stein

Party: Green

Vote for her if: You think environmental policy should influence all policy.

Richard Duncan

Party: Independent

Vote for him if: You want to keep nukes from terrorists and believe a real estate agent can do that.

Jill Reed

Party: Twelve Vision Party

Vote for her if: You want a candidate whose platform includes “slow down aging permanently” and “become a genius of society.”

Nelson Keyton

Party: Independent

Vote for him if: You find his “sites.google.com” campaign website refreshingly DIY.

Platt Robertson

Party: Independent

Vote for him if: You are conservative, confused and think you’re voting for Pat Robertson.

Randall A. Terry

Party: Independent

Vote for him if: You enjoy his foreign oil song, “Sweet Muslim Crude.”

Mike Vargo

Party: Independent

Vote for him if: OK, there is no reason to vote for him.

On the ballot, but not on Ohio’s:

Roseanne Barr

Party: Peace and Freedom

Vote for her if: You miss seeing her whup ass in primetime, or you appreciate that “legalization of marijuana” is the top of her platform.

Peta Lindsay

Party: Party for Socialism and Liberation (PSL)

Vote for her if: You like Marxism and candidates too young to serve (she’s 28).

Tom Stevens

Party: Objectivist

Vote for him if: You’ve been aggressively nagging friends to read “Atlas Shrugged” since sophomore year.