The List: Top 10 Ends of the World

By Columbus Alive
From the December 20, 2012 edition

Well, we’ve had a good run, everyone, but if our utter misinterpretation of other cultures has taught us anything, it’s that the world is going to end tomorrow! Kiss your ass goodbye with a countdown of our favorite predicted Apocalypses! Er, Apocalypsi?

Jan. 1, 1000

Yep, a lot of early Christians, including Pope Sylvester II, thought the “Millennium Apocalypse” would be the end of the world. Riots ensued. Party!

Dec. 31, 1000

OK, so when that first “Millennium Apocalypse” didn’t quite happen, many just figured they screwed up which end of the year the end of the world would occur on. More riots! More party!

1346-1351

Many interpreted the spread of the “Black Death” as a sign of the end times. A pandemic that wipes out more than half of Europe will do that.

1666

Many early Christians thought the presence of the number “666” in this date was a bad sign. It instead merely proved to be inspiration for a sweet Maiden tune.

1806

In England, the “Prophet Hen of Leeds” began laying eggs with the phrase “Christ Is Coming” printed on them. Eventually it was learned that a hoaxster wrote the message on the eggs and, um, reinserted them into the hen. Yep.

1969

Noted crazy person Charles Manson thought his followers’ acts would inspire an apocalyptic race war he called “Helter Skelter.” Instead, he inspired a sweet Beatles tune.

March 26, 1997

The leader of the “Heaven’s Gate” cult predicted that aliens were hiding behind the Hale-Bopp comet. The only way to evacuate was, apparently, mass suicide. While wearing matching Nikes. How ’90s!

Jan. 1, 2000

Well, the Y2K bug didn’t shut down the world quite like we thought it might, but going out because computer programmers wanted to save two characters in their code? That would have been HILARIOUS.

Sept. 8, 2008

A bunch of nervous Nellies worried that the activation of the Large Hadron Collider experiment might, y’know, open up a black hole that would swallow the world whole.

5,000,000,000 A.D.

Finally, a legitimate scientific prediction! This is when our friendly sun will swell into a red giant and swallow the Earth. Good thing we’ll all be dead first!