Concert preview: Drake, Miguel and Future go looking for love at Nationwide Arena

  • Courtesy of Future
  • Anthony Mandler photo
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From the December 12, 2013 edition

Judging solely by one graphic message actress Amanda Bynes posted to Twitter earlier this year, the ladies clearly have a thing for Drake.

For his part, the multiplatinum artist, who visits Nationwide Arena on Friday, Dec. 13, for a concert with openers Miguel and Future, has an up-and-down history with the women — one he’s not at all afraid to explore on record. “The one that I needed was Courtney from Hooters on Peachtree,” he rhymes in that telltale singsong cadence on his latest album Nothing Was the Same. “I've always been feeling like she was the piece to complete me.”

In fact, all three of the artists on this weekend's bill could accurately be described as lady’s men, which is why we attempted to hack the server of a popular online dating website to try and dig up old profiles. We failed, of course, but that didn't stop us from simply making stuff up. Here’s what we hoped we’d find.

Name: Aubrey “Drake” Graham

Age: 27

Hometown: Toronto, Ontario

Occupation: Rapper, singer and willing cuddle buddy

Likes: I desperately need to make a personal connection via my music, even if I'm playing to 18,000 in an arena. This might be why I've simultaneously conquered the charts and inspired outright hostility in everyone from Chris Brown (really is there anyone who doesn't tick that guy off?) to Common (still confused by that one). Oh, and sweaters! I think I can name even more kinds of sweaters than Bubba could shrimp. Cashmere, wool, turtleneck, mock turtleneck...

Dislikes: Tumblr, Kendrick Lamar dissing me as a “sensitive rapper” (*sniffle*) and constantly being mistaken for that guy who starred as the wheelchair-bound Jimmy Brooks on “Degrassi: The Next Generation.” That was, uh, someone else. Hey, what’s that over there?

On our first date I would… Pay for everything, whine about how few things in life satisfy me (except you, baby!) and then write an insanely catchy song about our evening.

Name: Miguel Pimentel

Age: 28

Hometown: Los Angeles, California

Occupation: R&B crooner and master of seduction

Likes: Satin sheets, beats that sound like aliens copulating and the Zombie's “Time of the Season,” because that song is my jam!

Dislikes: I hate the dude who invented the GIF, as well as the hordes of people that have used the technology to immortalize me (accidentally!) kicking some woman in the face during my failed leap on the Billboard Music Awards.

On our first date I would… Happily cook you breakfast the next morning. ;-)

[System Note: The submitted profile photo was deemed inappropriate and deleted from the site. Please request a new image from User Miguel.]

Name: Nayvadius “Future” Wilburn

Age: 30

Hometown: Atlanta, Georgia

Occupation: Rapper-slash-procrastinator (I swear that sophomore album is coming eventually.)

Likes: Slathering my singsong verses in so much Auto-Tune that I could pass for a demented, heartbroken android. I also enjoy ATLiens-era Outkast and artistic collaboration, which might be why my Wikipedia page reads like the VIP list at a high-end club.

Dislikes: Those Maury Povich “You are/are not the father clips,” which aren't nearly as funny once you've taken DNA tests to determine paternity.

On our first date I would… [Answer pushed back to 2014]