Top 10 Rejected List Ideas

By Columbus Alive
From the December 12, 2013 edition

10. Lies Perpetuated by the Government

I’m pretty sure this keeps getting shut down because they don’t want you to know the truth. It’s out there, man.

9. Ways to Start a Fight

Number one? Start a fight club.

8. People I Want to Start a Fight With

Number one? Tom Hanks. I’m not sure why — he’s a really nice guy and “Road to Perdition” is a really good movie — but I bet fights til he’s burger. Bring it, Forrest!

7. Sexual Positions

I was a bit shocked this one got denied. It’s fun and cheeky. And no, donkey punch was never even considered, you sickos.

6. Household Drugs

Technically, this was someone else’s idea, but it was rejected with such gusto that it has to be on the list.

5. Literary Drunks

This one is close to my heart because most of my favorite authors are also drunks. And wouldn’t it be fun to contemplate who’s greater (as a writer or a drunk), Bukowski or Hemmingway?

4. Cocks

Did you know there are thousands of breeds of roosters? My favorite is the Buff Orpington cock.

3. Weird Things James Franco Should Do Next

If you’re coming up with strange things for Franco to do, you have to get uncomfortably weird. And for the record, I totally said Franco should canoodle with Seth Rogen to Kayne’s music like a year ago. (In a related rejection, Top Ten Self-Indulgent Things Kanye Could Do Next. I totally called Kayne making that “Bound 2” video like a year ago. And Yeezus like two years ago.)

2. Words We Can’t Print

So many dashes.

1. Reasons I Hate People

I am Alive’s official misanthrope, but for some reason they won’t let me voice it with the wisdom and perspective I deserve.