STOP THE PRESSES. Twinkle-eyed playboy George Clooney, whose folklore has always included that he is a "confirmed" forever bachelor following a failed marriage in the ’90s, IS ENGAGED. The lucky lady (or gold-digging trickster whore, depending on whom you ask) is humanitarian lawyer Amal Alamuddin. The two have allegedly been going on dates for seven months, including taking a safari through Tanzania. Keep trying, ladies! Men can change!
Singer Paul Simon and his wife Edie Brickell were arrested for disorderly conduct at their home. The pair admitted they fought with each other but that they were going to be OK, so you can stop worrying about them and making domestic violence headline puns from old Simon & Garfunkel songs.
Former star of "The Hills" and fashion designer Lauren Conrad adopted a new puppy. This news will surely inspire the next episode of "Castle."
Catwoman/comedian Joan Rivers got in some hot water after she made a joke on a reality show that implied her small living conditions were worse than the basement three kidnapped Cleveland women suffered in for a decade. Rivers was shamed for a few good days by normals on Twitter and Facebook, likely people who still support the Catholic church and Joe Paterno.
This week in "Why am I so turned on by this?" news: Actor Tom "Bane" Hardy has been wearing Elton John's old clothes to prepare for his role as the musical icon in the upcoming movie "Rocketman."
The hip-hop community suffered two losses last week. Rest in Peace, DJ Rashad and DJ E-Z Rock.