Pop Culture: Gossip This

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From the May 29, 2014 edition

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got married. The bombastic Paris affair included a bachelorette party in the Eiffel Tour, a Kardashian crew decked-out in millions of dollars' worth of diamonds, guest Jaden Smith in a white Batman suit (THIS IS NOT A JOKE) and a first dance danced and performed, of course, by Kanye. Invitees unable to attend because they "had to feed their cats" or something included Vogue editor Anna Wintour, Kardashian's brother Rob and the entire country of France.

Sinner/singer Toni Braxton wrote in her new book — named after her biggest hit song “Unbreak My Heart” in case you forgot who she was — that she once believed her son has autism because God was punishing her for an abortion when she was young.

Smart fairy waif Emma Watson, the girl member of the Harry Potter trio, graduated from Brown University with a degree in English Literature. I wish God would stop punishing me and had let me help Emma do a keg stand at her graduation party.

Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson's sister and once-MTV reality show star, is marrying Diana Ross' son, Evan. I wonder what Diana Ross' son is like? Why, when I read stories like this, do I get "Pieces of Me" stuck in my head and not "Touch Me in the Morning"? Oh man, what if you had to listen to your mom sing "Touch Me in the Morning"? So many questions. 

James Franco posted a semi-nude selfie on Instagram. He posts a lot of selfies. He looks higher than usual.

Rihanna and Charlie Sheen are still fighting because the singer declined a photo opp with Sheen's fiance while dining at a restaurant. (Which, screw you, Charlie Sheen. You should know a thing or two about wanting privacy.) Both seem higher than usual.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. and rapper T.I. got in a pretty epic verbal and chair-throwing brawl at a Fatburger restaurant over T.I.'s wife. The clear winner here was Fatburger and the chair T.I. launched. "Oh my god, he touched me!"