The List: ComFest Do’s and Don’ts

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From the June 26, 2014 edition

Happy ComFest, Columbus! Follow these tips to make sure we all have a great weekend at Goodale Park.

DO attend the festival during non-peak hours. Friday afternoons and Sundays are the best.

DON’T expect there to be any parking. Alternative transportation is the way to go (walk, bike, CoGo, COTA, Tauntaun, etc.).

DO act like you’ve seen boobs before. OK, Juggalos, we know you haven’t seen many, but let’s try not being creepy, OK?

• DON’T hacky-sack or hula-hoop near people. Or ever.

DO be prepared for rain. Bring a poncho. Have a plan. Make sure your boob paint is water-resistant.

• DON’T smoke pot in the Porta-John. (We’ve seen it.) Really, the less you breathe in there the better.

DO stay hydrated. And we mean with water. Beer is fun. Heat stroke is not.

DON’T get shitfaced. It’s easy. 1. Don’t BYOB. 2. Use the time waiting in the beer line to sober up.

DO bring your own toilet paper and hand sanitizer. And don’t shake hands with anyone who doesn’t.

DON’T bring your acoustic guitar. No matter how great your bros think that John Mayer song is.

DO check out some new local bands. The bands are playing for exposure, so you should expose yourself. Um, to the music. Not like that.

DON’T be on your phone the whole time. Nobody wants to see 50 selfies of you at ComFest. Or ever. (Also, you won’t get a signal anyway.)

DO smile. Don’t walk around mean-mugging. It’s ComFest, hard-ass.

DON’T be shy. Talk to weirdos — they’re usually awesome.

DO eat a Fish Boat. It’s maybe the best tradition of ComFest.

DON’T jump in the pond. It’s for drunk people to pee in during Gallery Hop.

DO wish someone jazz. Whether you actually see anyone at the I Wish You Jazz Stage, “I wish you jazz” is a better greeting/farewell than “Happy ComFest.”

• DON’T engage in excessive PDA. Holding hands? OK. Hands in each other’s back pockets? Not OK. A quick kiss? OK. A quickie in the trees? (We’ve seen it.) NOT OK.

• DO buy stuff from local vendors. You can make sure your tie-dye shirt is locally sourced and gluten-free.

DON’T buy and/or sell drugs. ComFest is about sharing.

DO wander. If you just put down a blanket by the Bozo Stage, you’re missing out on the weird tribes that form in Goodale Park. It’s like “Game of Thrones” with less bloodshed.

DON’T bring your dog. It’s hot. It’s loud. It smells weird. It’s canine sensory overload. YOUR DOG HATES COMFEST. Don’t do it.