Distilled: UV Sugar Crush vodka is history’s worst monster

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From the July 10, 2014 edition

UV Sugar Crush tropical fruit candy-flavored vodka is a real thing. I was sure this would be awful, but my co-worker and fellow nightlife columnist Abernathy Miller was somewhat excited about UV Sugar Crush (although more so about the giant lollipop that came with it). So, we set out to try this stuff and have a discussion about our reactions.

Jesse: You were excited to try this. I was downright disgusted before I even took a sip. What was your initial reaction? Did you try it straight up? (I can’t remember. I’m trying to repress all memories of this experience.)

Abernathy: I wanted to like it. I wanted to love it! It had the siren call of candy with the warm promise of alcohol. Perfect, right? The first sip was like drinking Willy Wonka's tears. It literally stuck to my teeth.

Jesse: I know what you mean. It tastes exactly like the bubblegum fluoride you get at the dentist. And for “vodka” it was as thick as maple syrup. Now I want to get your take on our mixers (orange juice, Sprite and — shutter! — Cotton Candy Faygo).

Abernathy: Mixing gas-station OJ and vodka-infused Karo syrup seemed like a poor decision, so I went for Sprite. Of the drinks we made, this one was most drinkable. By drinkable, I mean it tasted like the leftover milk in a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

Jesse: I agree. As Marty Hart would say, “That sounds god-fucking-awful, Rust,” referring to the OJ and/or Sprite mixers. But let’s get to the nadir of my drinking history — and surely lifetime — in UV Sugar Crush with Cotton Candy Faygo. Do you remember the face I made? I think you have a video to remind you. And please include your immediate take about this combo. I believe it involved strippers.

Abernathy: Cotton Candy Faygo tasted like candy-coated hate; it assaulted me with intense sweetness, then immediately curb-stomped both my gastrointestinal tract and taste buds with the chemical sludge. If Katy Perry made poison, that is what it would taste like. It tastes like strippers smell.

Jesse: Yeah, I’m pretty sure this is woo-girl tested and approved.

Photo by Meghan Ralston