The Michael Bay-produced reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles explodes into theaters this weekend, leaving us to wonder which other beloved childhood favorites Bay could ruin. Let’s imagine how he would.
Is there anything that could set off Bay’s testosterone-o-meter more than He-Man? It’s got two masculine words in a row! We’re not sure how he’d turn She-Ra (played by Megan Fox, of course) into an objectified damsel-in-distress, but Bay can find a way!
My Little Pony
Like Transformers, here’s a Hasbro toy line that’s ripe for Bay’s hyperkinetic touch to put the “bro” in “brony.” Tagline: “Friendship is magic. Revenge is forever.”
The Oregon Trail
No one can dumb down an educational video game quite like Michael Bay. Expect lots of exploding wagons. Starring Nicolas Cage as Dysentery.
Hmmm? Michael Bay directs a movie about women. Is there a way he doesn’t turn this into a misogynistic piece of crap filled with overly sexualized shots?
“AVT: ALF vs. Thundercats”
Here Bay takes the previously poorly executed concept of “AVP: Alien vs. Predator” and inserts ALF (as a viscous space monster) who hunts his most worthy adversary, the Thundercats. We’re not sure how “AVP” gets worse, but leave it to Bay to do it.
“The Breakfast Club”
The John Hughes high-school classic as seen through the eyes of Bay. Find out what happens when three popular cheerleaders (Megan Fox, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Nicola Peltz) and three star quarterbacks (Will Smith, Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson) spend a day in detention and realize they’re not that different.
Have you seen the dumpster fire that is “Pain & Gain?” Yup.
Super Mario Bros.
There are obviously not a lot of tricks in Bay’s directorial repertoire, and he’s had a proven hit in the “Bad Boys” movies. So there’s a good chance he just remakes our favorite childhood video game starring Will Smith and Martin Lawrence as two plumbers who must stop the nefarious Bowser from flooding Miami (via the sanitation system) with drugs.
In a world where Earth is faced with sure destruction — from something, something space —a rogue group of robots join forces to save humanity. Our guess? A summer blockbuster with a bloated run-time, unbearable loud noises, Megan Fox and indistinguishable robots blowing stuff up. Also, lots of swirling camera shots.
Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
Your favorite quick meal as a kid gets the Bay unnecessary romance treatment in his cheesiest movie yet. Starring Mark Wahlberg as Macaroni and Megan Fox as Cheese.
Photo courtesy of Paramount Pictures