From Dr. Mario to House, our favorite fictional docs in the order we'd let them operate on us
With this week's cover story focused on health care, and a Locals feature about singer and songwriter Dr. E releasing her new Songs for the Struggle album, we thought we'd take a look at some of our favorite fictional doctors. Here they are, ranked in the reverse order we'd allow them to operate on us.
13. Dr. Mario
This over-prescriber won't stop dishing out multicolored, medicine-packed capsules.
12. Dr. John Zoidberg
I'm just going to let this quote from “Futurama's” crab-like alien doc stand on its own: “Fry, it's been years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species, fatal or non-fatal?”
11. Dr. Moreau
I still think this H.G. Wells creation was somehow responsible for “Seinfeld's” elusive “pig-man,” which is not a fate anyone wants to suffer.
10. Dr. Nick Riviera
Dr. Nick is every bit as clueless as Zoidberg, but with at least some basic understanding of human physiology (I think).
9. Dr. Amos Cochran
The man simply known as Doc, as portrayed by the always-great Brad Dourif on the landmark HBO series “Deadwood,” is emotionally shattered from his experiences treating the Civil War wounded. Still, if we needed a limb amputated sans-anesthesia or someone to help us pass a kidney stone with medical implements that resemble torture devices, he'd be the guy.
8. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman
Another Civil War-era doc, minus the heavy emotional baggage Cochran is packing.
7. Dr. Frankenstein
So what if his creation was a hulking, hideous beast that townspeople rallied against with torches and pitchforks? It takes a skilled hand to animate a being with body parts robbed from a cemetery, so I'm sure he could handle routine surgery.
6. Doogie Howser, M.D.
Call me back after you've experienced life, kid.
5. Dr. Octagonecologyst
This is just my way of telling you to go listen to this Kool Keith/Dr. Octagon album if you've never done so.
4. Dr. Zaius
OK, so he's an ape, but he's also the smartest ape. Besides, if we as humans share 99 percent of our DNA with chimps, how different could medical treatments really be?
3. Dr. Richard Kimble
“I didn't kill my wife.” I don't care … as long as you can safely remove this burst appendix and get me back on my feet. Oh, and do you mind writing me a prescription for Provasic on the way out? Too soon?
2. Dr. Meredith Grey
OK, so she's not on par with her mother (the world-renowned Ellis Grey, a fact I learned from the 30 seconds I spent on an obscenely long Wikipedia page written about a fictional character), and the people closest to her have a tendency to die, or at least get written off “Grey's Anatomy” in unique ways, but she's still an accomplished practitioner of modern medicine, which gives her a huge leg up on most of this list.
1. Dr. Gregory House
Setting aside his gruff bedside manner, the man simply known as House is not only brilliant, but he's surrounded by a team of doctors eager to impress.