Here's your first look at the city's pitch to win HQ2
We recently learned that Columbus was among the 20 finalist cities for Amazon's HQ2, landing aside surprise selections like Washington, D.C., Boston and New York City (I mean, really?).
Few know what the city promised in its bid, and as much as we'd appreciate Mayor Ginther pulling a boss move, sliding an empty folder across Jeff Bezos' desk (“We offer you … nothing”), it turns out Columbus' power players offered Amazon far, far more. Alive got an early look at the city's bid, and here are just a few of the highlights.
Instead of a mayor Columbus now has a Prime© minister
This one seems pretty self-explanatory.
New Albany shall be renamed New Alexa
The voice of Amazon's Echo is now the official voice of suburbia.
Complete diplomatic immunity for Bezos
This buried, seemingly innocuous provision could lead to a staggering human cost, considering the Amazon chief's legendary bloodlust.
By law, the word “gentrifying” must be replaced by “resurgent” in all news articles
HQ2 is expected to include as many as 50,000 new, high-paying tech jobs, which could lead to a boom in home and rental prices that could adversely affect lower-income renters and long-time residents in [resurgent] neighborhoods such as Franklinton and Olde Towne East.
Glen Echo Ravine is now Glen Amazon Echo© Ravine
Also, as an early heads up, this is one of Bezos' favorite spots to hunt.
Each resident will be implanted with a computer chip that can track shopping habits. It will also emit a low-level electric shock whenever you set foot inside any mom-and-pop retailer.
FMMF is now the Fashion Meets Free Two-Day Shipping Fest
Columbus is officially on the map, which you can now purchase and have shipped to you free in two business days.
Maps will be delivered via the city's fleet of Gmail carriers, formerly the USPS.
All the tax abatements, like, so many tax abatements
This one is probably accurate, unfortunately.
Light rail is finally coming to Columbus!
LOL, just kidding. Even wooing Amazon has its limits.