Take your #TeamEdward elsewhere
Charles Busch's “Vampire Lesbians of Sodom” production hits the Short North Stage beginning Friday, July 27. In college, I took a class where I watched three vampire movies a week for 10 weeks. So this is a non-exhaustive, ranked list of vampire entertainment I consider of note.
N/A “Twilight” (2008)
“Twilight,” you suck. Emo, glittery vampires are stupid. Someone should have driven a stake into this series while it was still just books. “Twilight,” you are only on this list so I can say you are the worst.
9) “Blade” (1998)
High-brow cinema? Nah. Wesley Snipes and a big sword? Yup. Stupid fun, suckheads.
8) “30 Days of Night” (2007)
Vampires only kill you at night, right? Well, what if the sun doesn't rise for 30 days and the vampires hunt you in packs?
7) “Underworld” (2003)
Vampires and werewolves hate each other. I want to like this movie and mock it at the same time. Also, it's almost always on some basic cable channel after “30 Days of Night.”
6) “Nosferatu the Vampyre” (1979)
Werner Herzog remaking a 1920s horror classic? Yes, please. And it's a talkie, too!
5) “Dracula: Prince of Darkness” (1966)
Hammer Film's telling of Dracula. Cheesy special effects. Deliciously campy.
4) Bram Stoker's “Dracula” (1992)
In my opinion, the best film adaptation of Bram Stoker's novel. Also, Keanu Reeves talks like a California stoner even though the film is set in 1890s Eastern Europe.
3) “Nosferatu” (1922)
Probably the original (or at least the oldest-surviving) vampire film. It's silent, black-and-white and from the German Expressionism era. Fun fact: The actor who plays the vampire is Max Schreck, whose last name is basically German for “terror.” Bonus points for one of the vampire's fangs actually logically lining up with his victim's neck holes.
2) “Dracula” (1931)
“Listen to them, the children of the night. What music they make.” Bela Lugosi is Dracula. This is the classic everyone knows.
1) Dracula (1897)
OK, this is cheating because it's the actual book. But it started every modern vampire tale. Also, this version of Dracula is far more powerful than most of his Hollywood incarnations.