It's self-congratulation season in Hollywood! The Golden Globes! The Oscars! The Guild of Gaffers and Craft Services Awards!

It's self-congratulation season in Hollywood! The Golden Globes! The Oscars! The Guild of Gaffers and Craft Services Awards!

Problem is, it's a bunch of lame old voters voting in lame old categories based on politics. So I'm making up my own awards!

I hereby present my first annual Zaphod Beeblebrox Awards. Hollywood, you may pick up your awards at the Alive office weekdays between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m.

Best gratuitous sex scene that actually advanced the plot

Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in "Black Swan." In a landslide.

Most awkward sex scene that actually advanced the plot

Ben Stiller and Greta Gerwig in "Greenberg" made your teenage backseat fumblings seem smooth.

Best bad word of the year

Chloe Moretz's 11-year-old "Kick-Ass" assassin calling a room of baddies the C-word was shocking. And awesome.

Best unexpectedly funny movie

"True Grit" looked so dark in previews, so its ample dry wit was a great surprise.

Most expectedly unfunny movie

Adam Sandler collected a dream team for people who find Judd Apatow movies too highbrow in "Grown Ups."

Best CGI character

The twins in "The Social Network" were really one actor. If you didn't know, you didn't notice.

Worst CGI character

The young Jeff Bridges CGI meat puppet in "Tron." So distracting.

Strangest CGI sequence

Gaspar Noe's trippy "Enter the Void," uh, climaxed with a CGI sequence documenting the moment of conception from an angle we haven't seen before.

Best CGI nudity

Jessica Alba wasn't naked on the set, but computers made her so in "Machete." Thanks, science!

Best way to make your head explode

If you try too hard to wrap your head around Christopher Nolan's "Inception," you'll end up gently rocking in a rubber room.

Best underlings

Who didn't want an army of the adorable minions from "Despicable Me"?

Best movie to see now so you can snark about the remake

"The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo," although David Fincher won't mess it up.

Best foreign remake that didn't totally suck

"Let Me In" was a little more mainstream than its Swedish original but was virtually as good.

Trend I hope doesn't happen

Website movies. "The Social Network" was amazing, but I don't need to see the story of Friendster or GeoCities.

Trend I hope does

Fake celebrity documentaries. Joaquin Phoenix deserves Oscar consideration for "I'm Still Here."

Most interesting first-date movie

"The Human Centipede" is nothing if not a conversation starter.

Most convoluted plot in a movie aimed at kids

The truly awful "The Last Airbender" just edges out "Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole."

Worst box-office hit

It's a given that "Twilight" movies make great bank, but Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" was painfully flat, even in 3D.

Best box-office flop

Despite lots of hype, "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" never hit. The few who saw it, loved it.

Best reason to wear funny glasses

Live-action 3D is still ruined by "Avatar," but "How to Train Your Dragon" and "Tangled" were like theme-park rides come to life.

Best rebooted franchise

Adrien Brody was a total badass in the underrated reboot "Predators."

Worst rebooted franchise

Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Krueger seemed like a stroke of genius, but it was the only thing the new "Nightmare on Elm Street" got right.

Most inexplicable remake

"A Woman, a Gun and a Noodle Shop" remade the Coen brothers' "Blood Simple" with a slapstick opening act.

Most inexplicable sequel

Todd Solondz brought back the characters of his 1998 black comedy "Happiness" in "Life During Wartime," though he used an entirely different cast.

Best double-feature with thick Boston accents

Almost everyone in "The Town" and "The Fighter" has an accent thick as chowdah.