One summer during college, I didn't move home. Instead I subleased a friend's room in a three-bedroom house out in the sticks.

One summer during college, I didnít move home. Instead I subleased a friendís room in a three-bedroom house out in the sticks.

Because we were miles away from anything that matters to a college kid, my roommates and I spent most of those hot nights drinking beer and regurgitating ďFamily GuyĒ jokes as if they were our own.

One night we really wanted to share some wine and watch the sunset, but we could not find a wine opener anywhere, and trying to peel out a cork with a knife could be an Olympic sport.

Thus, my roommate did the only logical thing he could think of as I ransacked the drawers for a wine opener. He shot the bottle open with a BB gun by aiming a BB directly through the stem of the bottle.


Why didnít we just drive to town and purchase one of those flimsy little corkscrew things? I donít know.

Why we didnít have a wine opener in that massive house? I donít know that, either. Three other things that disappear as soon as I need them: umbrellas, lighters and nail clippers.

As I watched him spoon out glass bits from the precious vino, I became determined to invest in a good wine opener that worked efficiently.

Enter: this fancy fella, the chrome Connoisseurís Wine Opener from Brookstone. Using it is my big party trick because itís so impressive.

I use the small tool to slice off the paper surrounding the lip of the bottle. Then I lift up the handle of the wine opener, place it over the stem of the bottle, squeeze, lower the lever down and lift the handle up again. It pulls the cork right out ó no bullets necessary.

The Brookstone opener cost me about $40, and Iíve had it for five years. I realize now some things are worth paying for.

I also realize now that telling jokes in Stewie Griffin-cadence can be funny but isnít really that creative Ö and you shouldnít leave men alone with dangerous toys.

College. You learn so much.

∑ Objects of Desire is a biweekly column that explores the items Columbus shoppers crave. Follow Jackie Mantey on Twitter at @Jackie_Mantey and on Pinterest at

Photo by Tessa Berg