Avert your eyes, Hawaiian Punch fans (this means all seven of you)

On Friday, Sept. 1, four local acts — the Worn Flints, EYE, Mount Carmel and Souther — will take the stage at Newport Music Hall for a concert dubbed “The Big Squeeze,” which made us thirsty for some fresh-squeezed juice. But not all juices are created equal, so here's a ranking of the beverages from worst to best.

Hawaiian Punch

Five percent fruit juice just doesn't cut it. Additional demerits for mascot Punchy, who could never rise above the violence inherent in his name, and Oaf, who somehow never learned that his red-haired companion would inevitably sock him in the face (every. time.) after asking, “How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?”

Red grape

Good for a nonalcoholic communion option and that's about it.

White grape

A cleaner, less-syrupy version of the red variety, but still not a contender.


There's a reason most of us leave apple juice boxes behind in preschool. (Mulled cider, though, does justice to the fruit.)


A great source of antioxidants, cranberry juice is a decent choice, but I like my juice all killer, no filler, so leave the Ocean Spray cran-(insert fruit here) on the table next to the ambrosia at potluck picnics.


Delicious at peak ripeness, a pear doesn't translate quite as well in juice form, which is why it's often combined with apple.


The only juice that pairs well with pepper and vodka.


While the thickness may initially be off-putting, a good-quality variety of mango juice provides all the flavor of a perfectly ripe mango without the guesswork and hassle of chopping.

Ruby red grapefruit

With its delicious sweet-tart combo, a cold glass of ruby red is tough to beat (if you can handle the acidity).

Northstar Cafe's Shooting Star

This killer combination of orange, carrot, lemon and ginger is the best multi-fruit/veggie combination I've ever imbibed. If Northstar bottled it, I'd go broke.


The typical hotel chain's watered-down, continental-breakfast version of OJ gives this timeless classic a bad rap. There's a reason you'll see fresh-squeezed orange juice at fine-dining establishments. It takes a lot of oranges and a lot of squeezing, but the payoff is the best juice around, pulp and all.