What would you choo-choo-choose as #1?
With Joshua Powell & the Great Train Robbery gearing up for a concert at Rumba Cafe, we thought we'd take this chance to put forth our definitive ranking of trains. All aboard.
N/A. Columbus light rail
Still slightly more fictional than anthropomorphic trains (see: #10).
4,985. Train (the band)
Would you believe these guys actually celebrate a quarter century as a band this year? (Cue the Decemberists' “Everything Is Awful.”)
4,298. “Downtown Train” (Rod Stewart version)
589. The Darjeeling Limited
The fictional train at the center of the worst Wes Anderson movie, which is saying something considering he also directed “The Life Aquatic.” (Don't @ me.)
270. The train from “Under Siege 2: Dark Territory”
Climbing due to its association with local comedian Travis Irvine's in-production “Killer Raccoons 2: Dark Christmas in the Dark.”
74. The train in “Back to the Future Part III”
The worst “Back to the Future” is still worth your time.
10. Thomas the Tank Engine
Anthropomorphic trains kind of creep me out, if we're being honest.
9. “Last Train to Clarksville” by the Monkees
The Monkees were actually a better band than you remember, and this stands as one of its five best songs. (“I'm a Believer” is clearly tops.)
8. “Downtown Train” (Tom Waits original)
A great song lessened by its association with the treacly Rod Stewart cover.
7. The train from “Snowpiercer”
Considering our current deep freeze, the world of “Snowpiercer” feels all-too real (not to mention the whole class-warfare aspect). Still, it gets docked slightly for being powered by small children.
6. The Little Engine That Could
This Little Engine has a lesson for all of us, but I've given up trying to figure it out.
5. “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osbourne
Yeah, it's probably been overplayed at this point, but the Randy Rhoads guitar riff still crushes.
4. Orient Express
Pros: You get to travel at the height of luxury. Cons: You'll either be murdered or suspected of it.
Somewhat confusingly, there are four Overloads in the Transformers universe that appear to share zero relation to one another. We're ranking the third Overlord here, a member of the Railbots who turns into (duh) a train.
2. The train on Ralph Wiggum's valentine to Lisa Simpson
We were tempted to choo-choo-choose this as our favorite train, but…
1. “Midnight Train to Georgia” by Gladys Knight & the Pips
Sure, Johnny Cash turned out a number of classic songs about trains, or at least people who watched them longingly from prison windows, but for our money nothing tops this soul classic.