A terrible slate of new releases means a half-dozen (mostly) terrible new trailers through which to wade. To the rankings!
#1 "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" (NEW IN THEATERS)
The "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" book series scarred a particular generation of teens, and the movie adaptation looks poised to do the same. Producer Guillermo Del Toro's influence is pretty apparent in the chill-inducing creatures populating this trailer.
#2 "The Kitchen" (NEW IN THEATERS)
From the title I was expecting a lighthearted culinary romp, but NOPE. "The Kitchen" is short for Hell's Kitchen circa 1978, and the trailer quickly establishes the seedy setting for this female-centered mob movie, which stars Tiffany Haddish, Melissa McCarthy and Elisabeth Moss. Despite the gender switch, this one looks pretty by-the-numbers.
#3 "Brian Banks" (NEW IN THEATERS)
Why are legitimately interesting based-on-a-true-story sports events always turned into warmed-over, blandly generic onscreen flicks? For those interested, here's more background on the case via a 2012 Los Angeles Times feature.
#4 "Dora and the Lost City of Gold" (NEW IN THEATERS)
Even as a parent I have zero interest in this live-action take on the animated Dora series, though I do like that the trailer opens with our hero speaking Spanish, which will undeniably cause internet rumblings in those Facebook forums your aunt frequents between FOX News programs.
#5 "ECCO" (NEW IN THEATERS)
Picture for a second, if you will, the "The Bourne Identity" but a total turd.
#6 "The Art of Racing in the Rain" (NEW IN THEATERS)
Imagine if the dog from "Marley & Me" could talk, but only in soft-lit, Hallmark-greeting-card-worthy phrases. Even sitting through this trailer was a challenge, and I have legit pity on anyone who buys a ticket for this. (And, yes, I mean you, specifically.)