As a public service to the Motor City Madman, here's a rundown of some of the bathrooms near Express Live

With Ted Nugent set to perform at Express Live on Friday, Aug. 30, we could have compiled a list of the abhorrent things the Motor City Madman has said over the years. Nugent has referred to former president Barack Obama as a “subhuman mongrel,” which is some sub-KKK racist rhetoric, and he called Hillary Clinton a “worthless bitch” while holding a pair of machine guns and telling a concert audience that Clinton “might want to ride one of these into the sunset.”

And though the rocker pledged to tone down the rhetoric in 2017, saying, “We have got to be more respectful to the other side,” he was back at it last year, describing the Parkland school shooting survivors organizing in favor of gun restrictions as having “no souls” and logging in to Twitter to call Robert De Niro an “America hating drug addled jerk.” #Respectful.

Language aside, we also could have focused on some of Nugent’s more reprehensible actions, such as becoming the legal guardian to a 17-year-old at age 30 as an end-around the law because she was too young to marry, which somehow only landed at #63 on Spin magazine’s list of the “100 Sleaziest Moments in Rock.”

Then there’s the Damn Yankees.

Instead of going any of these routes, we’ve opted to take a page from the kinder, gentler ’Nuge he once promised in 2017, offering the Detroit native a rundown of bathrooms within walking distance of Express Live so that he doesn’t have a repeat of the experience that (allegedly!) helped him avoid fighting in the Vietnam War in the 1960s, according to a 1977 High Times interview.

“I did it in my pants. poop, piss the whole shot,” he told the magazine of his successful plan for evading the draft by transforming himself into a poo-crusted degenerate. (Nugent later walked back the story.)

If you have to go when you're in Columbus, Ted, go here:

Tim Hortons

330 Huntington Park Ln., Arena District

Walking distance: 0.2 miles

Estimated travel time: 4 minutes

You’re in luck! One of the closest locations also has one of the most liberal public bathroom policies (sorry, I know you’re not a fan of that word). Like Starbucks, which falls later on this list and would require twice the walk, you don’t even have to be a customer to use the facilities here.

Sunny Street Cafe

277 W. Nationwide Blvd., Arena District

Walking distance: 0.2 miles

Estimated travel time: 4 minutes

Near the venue, but with hours that could be problematic. (The eatery closes at 2:30 p.m.)

Nada

220 W. Nationwide Blvd., Arena District

Walking distance: 0.2 miles

Estimated travel time: 5 minutes

Bring your wallet if you want to relieve yourself here. The online menu doesn’t include pricing, which is a sure sign you’ll need to dip into those “Cat Scratch Fever” royalties to hit the head.

Ted’s Montana Grill

191 W. Nationwide Blvd., Arena District

Walking distance: 0.3 miles

Estimated travel time: 6 minutes

Both the name and the big-game decor make this seem like a well-suited stop for your number ones or twos.

BBR

106 Vine St., Arena District

Walking distance: 0.3 miles

Estimated travel time: 7 minutes

Technically, the BBR stands for “beer, burgers, rock,” but it could be “bathroom bowel release,” in this case.

BP

660 Neil Ave., Harrison West

Walking distance: 0.4 miles

Estimated travel time: 8 minutes

When you search public restrooms on Google Maps, this pops up, so you’re likely safe defecating here even if you’re not fueling up.

Starbucks

339 N. Front St., Arena District

Walking distance: 0.4 miles

Estimated travel time: 9 minutes

Starbucks' public bathroom policy allows people to use the facilities “100 percent of the time,” whether or not they make a purchase. But why not get a quick #TrumpCup while you’re here and support the cause?