Behold the real war on Christmas
Are you hosting an ugly sweater event this holiday season? No?! Congrats! You’re the only one in the city who isn’t. Or at least that’s how it appeared scrolling through the Facebook events tab recently. Here’s a list of select pre-Christmas ugly sweater events, ranked from worst to best by the overall concept and execution of the event page.
Ugly Sweater Fun Run
Alternate title: The Nipple Chafe 5k.
Sloopy’s Pub Open Mic Ugly Sweater Party
Open mic events can be rough enough without the exposure to gaudy holiday garb.
4th Annual Ugly Sweater Crawl: Columbus
Historic Dublin Ugly Sweater Crawl
You have to crawl before you can fun run.
City of Columbus Toastmasters Club Holiday Ugly Sweater Party
Young Professionals Network Ugly Sweater Holiday Party
I loathe networking.
Wyandotte Winery Ugly Sweater Contest
Can’t we just party? Why is everything a contest with you?
Ugly Sweater Party with Chris Gregory
Pub Mahone Ugly Sweater Party
Boulevard BarGrille Ugly Sweater Party
Zazzy’s Tap Room Ugly Sweater Party!
Caddy’s Delightful Virtual Golf Lounge Ugly Sweater Party
Camelot Cellars Ugly Sweater Party
Marshall’s Annual Ugly Sweater Party
Downeast Ugly Sweater Party at the Tavern
Starr Bar Ugly Sweater Party
Chubby’s Sports Bar & Grill Ugly Sweater Party
Zaftig Ugly Sweater Christmas Party
All of these spots went with the generic “ugly sweater party” tag, so I’m just going to show up in the crème-colored number my mom bought me to wear atop a red turtleneck for the fifth grade school musical, since the holiday season means nothing to these businesses.
Ugly Mug Ugly Sweater Party
Separated from the pack only because it fits the #brand.
Hop Yard 62 Ugly Christmas Sweater Party
Now that’s more like it.
Double D’s Pub Ugly Christmas Sweater Party!
Bonus points for the enthusiasm.
Wine on High Ugly Christmas Sweater Wine Tasting
Bonus points for the wine.
Ugly Sweater & Egg Nog Party
Wait, is the nog also ugly?
Central Ohio Girl’s Hockey Ugly Sweater Game
Sweaters and ice hockey feel like a natural pair.
Ugly Sweater Beer Pong
This might have topped the list when I was 22.
Skate Zone 71 Ugly Christmas Sweater Skate
One time my sister fell and hit her head rollerskating a few days after Christmas, and the concussion was so bad that the entire holiday was wiped from her memory.
Dogtopia Ugly Sweater Party
Everything is better with dogs, even ugly sweaters.