Behold the real war on Christmas

Are you hosting an ugly sweater event this holiday season? No?! Congrats! You’re the only one in the city who isn’t. Or at least that’s how it appeared scrolling through the Facebook events tab recently. Here’s a list of select pre-Christmas ugly sweater events, ranked from worst to best by the overall concept and execution of the event page.

Ugly Sweater Fun Run

Alternate title: The Nipple Chafe 5k.

Sloopy’s Pub Open Mic Ugly Sweater Party

Open mic events can be rough enough without the exposure to gaudy holiday garb.

4th Annual Ugly Sweater Crawl: Columbus

Historic Dublin Ugly Sweater Crawl

You have to crawl before you can fun run.

City of Columbus Toastmasters Club Holiday Ugly Sweater Party

Young Professionals Network Ugly Sweater Holiday Party

I loathe networking.

Wyandotte Winery Ugly Sweater Contest

Can’t we just party? Why is everything a contest with you?

Ugly Sweater Party with Chris Gregory

Who?

Pub Mahone Ugly Sweater Party

Boulevard BarGrille Ugly Sweater Party

Zazzy’s Tap Room Ugly Sweater Party!

Caddy’s Delightful Virtual Golf Lounge Ugly Sweater Party

Camelot Cellars Ugly Sweater Party

Marshall’s Annual Ugly Sweater Party

Downeast Ugly Sweater Party at the Tavern

Starr Bar Ugly Sweater Party

Chubby’s Sports Bar & Grill Ugly Sweater Party

Zaftig Ugly Sweater Christmas Party

All of these spots went with the generic “ugly sweater party” tag, so I’m just going to show up in the crème-colored number my mom bought me to wear atop a red turtleneck for the fifth grade school musical, since the holiday season means nothing to these businesses.

Ugly Mug Ugly Sweater Party

Separated from the pack only because it fits the #brand.

Hop Yard 62 Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

Now that’s more like it.

Double D’s Pub Ugly Christmas Sweater Party!

Bonus points for the enthusiasm.

Wine on High Ugly Christmas Sweater Wine Tasting

Bonus points for the wine.

Ugly Sweater & Egg Nog Party

Wait, is the nog also ugly?

Central Ohio Girl’s Hockey Ugly Sweater Game

Sweaters and ice hockey feel like a natural pair.

Ugly Sweater Beer Pong

This might have topped the list when I was 22.

Skate Zone 71 Ugly Christmas Sweater Skate

One time my sister fell and hit her head rollerskating a few days after Christmas, and the concussion was so bad that the entire holiday was wiped from her memory.

Dogtopia Ugly Sweater Party

Everything is better with dogs, even ugly sweaters.