Following a pair of recent shootings outside of Monarch, the club's owner pointed to late-night street vendors as a cause of the violence. Little did he realize the eateries could also offer salvation to endangered bystanders.

In a span of days earlier in 2020, Monarch, a club in the Short North, was at the center of a pair of shootings. In the weeks since, ownership has met with city officials and police in an effort to curb future violence. At the same time, Monarch owner Shawn Shahnazi has directed some responsibility for the incidents to an obvious source: late night food vendors.

In a statement posted to social media on Feb. 3, Monarch wrote, “The truth is two groups of men engaged in an altercation over a gyro at a food cart down the block, and it escalated from there.”

“When you leave the bar you should be able to go home. You shouldn’t be hanging around. The food vendors in the street in Columbus is one of the only cities that has it and it allows people to just hang out for another 30, 40 minutes,” Shahnazi told ABC6. “The food vendors also have to close when the businesses close so people don’t have a reason to hang out.”

But if you do happen to find yourself caught outside of the club when its advertised Miami vibe turns all gritty "Miami Vice" reboot, which of these trouble-making food carts is best equipped to provide you with some needed defense?

In the spirit of public safety, here’s a ranking of local food trucks at which to best arm yourself.

Alternately we recommend finding an abandoned Alive print-distribution box, chasing the raccoons from within and then curling up safely inside until the danger passes. Sign up for our daily newsletter

N/A  Cousins Maine Lobster

If I’m spending nearly $20 on a sandwich, the only thing it's being used for is to satiate my hunger.

8. Kinetic

While the health food served up by this truck might not help you in combat, at least you’ll feel light on your feet after eating it, and with the needed energy burst to flee the scene with previously untapped speed.

7. Los Potosinos

OK, so the relatively tiny (and tasty) tacos won’t afford you much protection, but the key here is going to be the salsa. Remember to aim for the eyes.

6. Alphabetical

Some carefully deployed hot soup could help cool a violent threat.

5. Tropical Chill Hawaiian Ice

Most effective in these winter months as a brain-freezing alternative to the aforementioned options.

4. Seitan’s Realm

The Cheezestake from this (admittedly delicious) vegan truck would make a serviceable billy club. And on the outside chance the perpetrator themselves is the stereotypical vegan, its presence could instantly halt any violent action as they pause to tell you all about their dietary choices.

3. Exotic Latino Grill

Remove a sock and pack it tight with one of the hefty burritos served up by this Old North mainstay and you’ll be armed with a bruising form of self-defense.

2. Ninja Bowl

Honestly, I’m not sure a rice bowl will offer the best defense in a melee, but the hope is there’s some kind of transitive property or osmosis that might take place with the truck itself, allowing you to tap into some previously hidden martial-arts skill.

1. Paddy Wagon

Serve up some “culinary justice” (this is one of the Paddy’s taglines, not mine) from a truck that even gives off a jail vibe. Heck, the truck's appearance alone should offer at least some further deterrent in the moment, like one of those "scared straight" shows where troubled kids are carted to a prison and yelled at by inmates.