We're all going to die

The Arnold Sports Festival returns to Columbus this week, running Thursday through Sunday, March 5-8. The event, which draws more than 22,000 athletes from 80 nations, is under increased scrutiny this year amid the growing threat of a coronavirus epidemic. Over at change.org, someone even started a petition directed at Gov. Mike DeWine’s office asking that the event be canceled, drawing more than 8,300 signatures as of publication.

While cancellation seems unlikely at this point, organizers with the Arnold have taken steps to prevent the spread of the virus, according to WOSU, including screening all of the athletes for symptoms of the virus.

In addition, we here at Alive think the Arnold should reconsider hosting some of its higher risk events, which we have assembled here as a public service.

Competitive Face Touching

Only Larry, Curly and Moe land more eye jabs, slaps and blows to the face than these competitors. As always, the event will be immediately followed by a handshake line open to all attendees.

The Say It with Spittle Spelling Challenge

These spellers work up more mouth lather than an agitated Daffy Duck.

World’s Largest Red Rover Game

Two rows of participants will join hands in facing human chains that will stretch down High Street from the Arena District to Downtown in an attempt to set a new Guinness World Record for the largest game of Red Rover. Handwashing is discouraged, as a little grit prevents slippage. Unless you want to lose, but you don’t, do you?

Speed Hand-washing

Forget expert recommended hand-washing timing tricks like counting slowly to 20 or singing “Happy Birthday” two times. Here the aim is to get in and out faster than Mike Pence exiting a room filled with unaccompanied women.

Open Gym Hours for Open Mouth Kissing

With 90 minutes of open gym time set aside between the volleyball semifinals and the opening round of fencing, this open mouth kissing extravaganza has always been a popular way for in- and out-of-towners to mingle.

Kettle Bell Cough-Off

Competitors hoist kettle bells while coughing up the off-color phlegm from the deepest reaches of their decaying lungs in this fan favorite event, where early arrivers often crowd the front rows dressed in ponchos, as if Gallagher were gearing up to smash watermelons from the lip of the stage.

“It Might Be a Tumor” Open Wound Analysis

Have a mysterious bump, lump or lesion? Come get poked and prodded by your fellow amateur wound enthusiasts.

The Fecal Fun Run

Don’t wear white. Please.