What happens when your star sign crosses with the concrete reality of quarantine? Not much, as it turns out.
I don’t wish ill on many institutions during this crisis, but there is one industry I am hoping will go the way of the Walkman once the quarantine is lifted: horoscopes.
Horoscopes have always been trash. There hasn’t been a single horoscope attributed to one sign that would be any more or less true if it were given to a different sign. The farce of horoscopes should have become apparent immediately once COVID-19 took root. Unless everyone’s horoscope earlier this month was a variation on “prepare for a lot of unexpected time at home,” it should be clear now that the predictive whimsy is as reliable as a TV weatherman.
I offer this eulogy to the blind third eye that is the horoscope. Here’s hoping that this lame practice of armchair mysticism pulls the Death card.Alive hasn't pulled that fated card... yet. Help fend it off by signing up for our daily newsletter
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Every day will feel like Christmas and every night New Year’s Eve, as you throw your sleep schedule completely out of whack staying up to watch every nook and cranny of Netflix. Fear not: Everybody looks like they’ve been up all night in a Zoom meeting.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Now that time has been revealed as a social construct, this is the time to work on that novel you always said you would write. Or binge watch every “Law & Order” variation ever, aka “research."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This all kind of feels like your fault. I mean, quarantine happened on your watch. So maybe put yourself in a corner today and think about what you’ve done.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Happy birthday! I hope you bought a box of cake mix while you were out trying to score toilet paper because any cake you order right now is going to have tears mixed into the icing.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
I know you’re generally seen as a stubborn sign, but everyone really needs you to stay at home. We say this about you all the time, but this time there is more at stake than arguing with you about whether or not Will Smith was ever a legit hip-hop artist. (See “Brand New Funk,” you child.)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
As the sign of doubles, consider passing the time by stomping around the house as the opposite version of yourself. If you watch lots of TV, switch to books. If you normally spend all of your time on social media, only use your phone to actually call people. Wear your clothes backwards. Be a new you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Money matters got you down right now? Yeah. (Blank stare.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Y’all so extra all the time. Just go sit down somewhere and do a jigsaw puzzle
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Considering new love? Getting your COVID-19 tests together is a fine first date. And since you can’t go out dancing, dining or movie-watching, you’ll be forced to consider each other’s personalities.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Exercise restraint today. You already burned through half of your ice cream and all of Hulu, so it’s time for you to slow down and focus on your energies, or something
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Experiencing life in the slow lane? Consider putting a few of those devices in airplane mode, baller. That thing where you play Candy Crush while streaming a movie through Amazon Prime while updating your laptop is going to crash one of those things today. Do you want to tell your boss you couldn’t get into the online meeting because you had to half-watch “The Hunt”
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Rest secure in the knowledge that by the time your birthday rolls around we’ll have likely beat this disease into submission and will be back to our decadent ways. We will all be so happy to go outside that your kid’s 6th birthday party is going to have a cash bar and the best “Soul Train” line since 1978.