Six feet can be translated any number of ways, depending on the social circle in which you find yourself
By now, most of us are aware of the social distancing guidelines that have been put in place to help curtail the spread of the novel coronavirus. Primary among these is to remain 6 feet away from those outside of your household at all times. Here’s a handy way to help gauge the distance based on the circles in which you might find yourself.
Backup singers: 30 percent of the way to stardom
This assumes, of course, that the title of the great 2013 documentary “20 Feet from Stardom” is mathematically accurate.
Journalists: 72 column inches (or roughly 1,800 to 2,520 words)
And I’m going to need you to file that before furlough.
Military enthusiasts: 0.0018288 clicks
But good luck getting that kind of distance in the barracks, amiright? (No, really, am I? I have no clue.)
The Statehouse “stay at home” protesters: The length of one average-sized casket
These folks should be forced to gauge 6 feet by the potential cost of their socially irresponsible behavior.
Anti-vaxxers: Three infant caskets
There’s some clear overlap between the Statehouse protesters and this group, which should bear the added emotional weight of its dangerous rejection of science.
Trekkies: 1.93304312E-16 light years
Though I can’t say that I at all trust my math on this.
White basketball fans who came of age in the 1980s: Larry Bird but nine inches shorter
[Insert GIF of this writer nodding in complete understanding]
The MAGA set: Two and a half Ben Shapiros
He’d be the cutest, tiniest little thing if he’d just keep his hole shut.
Canadians: Rick Moranis balanced precariously on a bottle of maple syrup
The actor stands 5 feet 4 inches tall, which would put him at a solid 6 feet if perched on a large bottle of Log Cabin.
Movie buffs: One-fifth of the snake in “Anaconda”
Or, for classic film aficionados, roughly a quarter of the height of the original King Kong.
Carpenters: 6 feet
But measured twice.
That guy in Trapt: The length of one afternoon Twitter thread
Maybe it’s time for someone to log off.
Columbus politicians: Two blueprints of tax-abated, mixed-use developments set side by side
We’re looking at you.
CIA agents: [Redacted]
If only [redacted] could tell [redacted] what happened with [redacted], the better off [redacted] would be with the [redacted] and the [redacted]. You know what I mean?
Hip-hop heads: Royce da 5’9” with a 3-inch-tall slice of sheet cake on his head
I really just like the visual with this one, to be honest.