We're just airing out both sides, folks

A virtual meeting held earlier this month by the Economic Recovery Task Force turned into an airing of grievances better suited to Festivus, with some speakers downplaying the seriousness of the COVID-19 epidemic and trading in conspiracy theories better suited to internet message boards.

Perhaps no voice echoed as loudly, or incorrectly, as Bill Bader Jr., the owner of Summit Motorsports Park, a racetrack in northern Ohio, who described Gov. Mike DeWine’s ongoing “stay at home” order as a political stunt designed to hurt President Donald Trump. This led to an exchange documented by the Ohio Capital Journal:

Rep. David Leland, D-Columbus, pushed Bader to clarify: “Do you really believe that Gov. DeWine and Lt. Gov. Husted’s motivation for keeping us safe in the state of Ohio was really a sham just to get rid of the president of the United States?”

“Yes,” Bader replied, going on to question the government’s coronavirus death statistics.

Taking into account that beliefs are personally held and generally unverifiable, we thought we’d share a few beliefs we have about Summit Motorsports Park, Bader and others of his ilk who have pressed DeWine to open the state immediately for business.

We believe that all the race cars competing at Summit Motorsports Park are required to run entirely on solar power.

We’ve heard rumblings that Bader doesn’t believe in gas or oil, and that he donated time and money in support of those who protested the Dakota Access Pipeline. Also, all race day concessions are 100 percent vegan. Or so we believe.

We believe that Bader thinks a hot dog is a sandwich, or, conversely, that it is not a sandwich.

Whichever is more infuriating to you.

We believe that the Russian national anthem is played at the start of each race day at the track.

And it always follows the U.S. national anthem because Bader thinks that it has a stronger melodic sensibility than its American counterpart. Allegedly.

We believe that the concourse encircling Summit Motorsports Park forms a pentagram, and that Bader slaughters a quintet of goats at the start of each race season, burying a single carcass at each of its five points.

This is said to ward off bad juju. And yet…

We believe that 8,000,000,000 drivers have been killed racing at Summit Motorsports Park.

And we question the veracity of any death statistics that might suggest otherwise.

We believe that Ohio state senate candidate Melissa Ackison, best known to some for recently appearing in this viral image, thinks that Faye Dunaway is acting in an entirely appropriate manner in the “no wire hangers!” scene from “Mommy Dearest.”

And she’s known to reenact it on demand for guests at dinner parties.

We believe that the “open Ohio” protests aren’t organic, are populated in part by a dangerous mish-mash of anti-vaxxers, white nationalists and corporate interests, and are more interested in you, the country’s hairdressers, retailers, masseuses and restaurateurs, returning to work regardless of any potential danger so that they can resume taking advantage of all of the creature comforts to which they have become accustomed in life.

No further comment.