Darlin' don't you go and cut your hair

As someone who has never once had cool hair, and who started going bald in his mid-20s, I can’t say that I empathize with the myriad “open it up”-types who have protested nationwide stay-at-home orders with signs that include some variation on the phrase “I need a haircut.”

Ignoring the fact that this type of rhetoric is less about the actual protester’s right to work (what these sign-holders really want is for *you* to resume your job so that they can again have access to all of the creature comforts to which they’ve become accustomed), we thought we’d offer some suggestions for those potential super-spreaders obsessed with the unkempt state of their stay-at-home ’do.

Buy a new hat

MAGA throngs that apparently become enraged at the thought of being asked to cover their faces when out in public don’t seem to have any issue with covering their heads, judging by the waves of red caps visible at Trump rallies. Why change now? Hat hair just means you’re more of a patriot than the rest.

Nice to meet you, buzz

Growing up, my mom always told me that I could get a buzz cut either when I turned 18 or when I joined the military. Now I guess we could add “or when a global pandemic shuts down the economy.” Either way, I’ve been buzzing what’s left of my hair for years, which puts me slightly ahead of the shut-in population. If you need a haircut that bad, get yourself a pair of clippers and get to it. Bonus: You’ll feel like you’re saving money every time you give yourself a trim.

Suck Kut

It’s sucking my will to live!

Wig out

Wigs, they’re not just for singers in buzzworthy bands anymore.

Let it grow, let it grow, let it grow

According to the American Academy of Dermatology, hair grows about a half inch per month on average. Since Gov. Mike DeWine issued his “stay at home” order on March 22, this means that most have been living without access to a quality trim for about six weeks now. This three-quarters of an inch of growth, on average, is apparently enough of an inconvenience to send at least a portion of the populace into conniption, the human cost of lifting stay-at-home orders be damned. After all, COVID-19 really only kills the elderly and those with pre-existing conditions… and mass-transit employees and frontline medical professionals and meat industry workers and the poor and people of color and … and maybe you should forgo that trim for just a little while longer after all.