THE DEEP STATE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO READ THIS

A protest is planned at the Statehouse tomorrow (Saturday, July 18), but don’t expect to see many Black Lives Matter signs at this “Stand for America” rally, which describes itself as “just patriotic Americans standing united against tyrants and terrorists."

Don’t expect many of these patriots to be wearing masks amid the pandemic, either: “Masks are optional. Free adults can make their own decisions,” the flyer notes.

The event kicks off at 9:45 a.m. on Front Street, where the group will conduct an “End of the Line for Ginther and DeWine” march to the Statehouse, followed by an “Anti-Mandatory Mask Civil Disobedience” rally, and, at noon, the Stand for America rally, featuring a lineup of guest speakers you’ve likely never heard of, including former 98.9FM DJ Chuck Douglas, congressional candidate Mark Richardson (not the former Pitchfork editor), Jeremy Deeter (“passionate, inspiring Columbus patriot”), self-described “investigative reporter” Jack Windsor (whom you may actually recognize from his consistently eye-rolling questions at the DeWine pressers) and others.

The event will also feature a “mystery guest,” which has all of us here at Alive on pins and needles wondering who it could be. Here are some guesses. 

Melissa Ackison
The former state senate candidate (also known as one of these jokers) lost her primary election, so she probably has more time on her hands these days.

A Charlie Daniels hologram
The legendary country singer, best known for “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” died earlier this month, but before that, he’d been launching screeds against BLM protests on his “Soap Box,” calling the recent uprisings “an all-out socialist attack on our Republic.” But, as recently noted, big-name musicians never die. They just become holograms. 

An unworn face mask
Will the face covering gain sentience and address the crowd itself? Only Q knows.

Ken Blackwell
Whatever happened to Ohio’s former secretary of state? Perhaps we’ll find out tomorrow.

Wack Jindsor
Jack Windsor seems to relish his time in front of the mic, so maybe he’ll reappear as a mustachioed, alter ego version of himself.

Jimmy Buffett
The King of Margaritaville totally misread the whole Boogaloo Bois thing.

The guy who used 120 gallons of blue paint to turn his entire front yard into a Trump banner 
And you guys thought the red handprints on the Statehouse were bad.

Joe the Plumber
In a surprise return to Tea Party politics, the man who became a talking point in the 2008 presidential election, and who told the parents of victims of a 2014 California shooting that “your dead kids don’t trump my Constitutional rights,” takes back the bully pulpit.

Q
The person behind the most inane and insane far-right conspiracy theory since pizzagate finally reveals himself. It was Sacha Baron Cohen all along.