Distilled: Ugh! Bud Light Long Island Mixxtails

Jesse Tigges, Columbus Alive

I'm very grateful for the opportunity to write for a living, and even more so that I do it in the city I was born in and love. But sometimes sacrifices must be made to do this job - none greater than drinking Bud Light Mixxtails.

I know what you're thinking. Why would you subject yourself to this kind of abuse? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Is your stomach made of iron and radioactive waste? (It was always fairly resilient, but now I firmly believe I can chug castor oil and raw eggs without consequence.)

These queries - and more, self-loathing versions - were bouncing through my brain as I entered the walk-in beer cooler at a chain gas station and spotted my quarry. There they were, in all their craptastic glory, three flavors of Mixxtails (Long Island, Hurricane and Firewalker.)

Unfortunately these specimens of drinking misery are $12.99 for an eight-pack. So I had a decision to make, because I'm not dropping nearly $40 for Mixxtails. Nor would I ever want to have 24 Mixxtails. I'm not that big of a glutton for punishment.

I settled on the Long Island Mixxtail. I suspected it would be better than the Firewalker - cinnamon booze is loathsome - and not as sweet as the Hurricane. Having not sampled the other two, it's open to debate whether this was the worst decision I've ever made.

After twisting the cap off this aluminum bottle of 11.5 oz. of tragedy (8 percent ABV) and taking a preliminary sniff, I knew this was going to be rough. It smelled like Coca Cola mixed with honey, maple syrup, a 10-pound bag of sugar and anything else containing a saccharine vibe.

Then I drank it …

You know how there are those moments - rock bottom, if you will - when the realization hits that you need to reevaluate your decision making? Mix that feeling with flat, syrupy Coke, frozen orange juice and rot-gut booze, and you'll have the entirety of the Long Island Mixxtail experience.

Look, I entered into this taste test knowing it would be dire, but I was utterly astounded by the horror I subjected myself to. Stay away from Mixxtails - far, far away.